Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear people jogging with that stupid smile on your face. I know what route you take and I will jump out of bushes and scare that smile away

   I trained a raccoon to play dead in the front yard...Okay, I hit him with the truck but the end result is the same thing.

   "Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve? For thou art a douche." -W. Shakespeare, Sonnet #18, First draft

   I'm pretty sure Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are slowly melting together into one person

   The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.

   Amazon is now offering Special Christmas Drone Deliveries to Pakistan!

   They say one glass of wine a day is good for you. They never say how many times to fill it tho ;)

   cant believe its not butter

   going to keep his Facebook account but delete his real life...

   Decided to make "eyjafjallajökull" my safe word.

   I LOVE it when people that I don't like friend request me on Facebook, I feel like St. Peter --- DE-NIED! Ü

   oh dear... I seemed to have lost my diet instead of the weight...

   I choose to be different because being normal is boring.

   Definition of stupid; person who locks their keys in the car...and it takes them an hour to get their family out.

   it fair to say that there'd be less litter in the world if blind people were given pointed sticks?

   Oh, I believe ya.... but my tommy gun don't!

   And on the 8th day, God made Cheez Its

   How bad do you Sing..... "On a scale of vuvuzela to Justin Bieber??"

   anyone else sick and tired of seeing the name LeBron James? I mean crap! Until a few weeks ago I thought he was a rapper. WTF

   You know you're lonely when your friends on Grand Theft Auto don't even answer the phone.