Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear people jogging with that stupid smile on your face. I know what route you take and I will jump out of bushes and scare that smile away

   I trained a raccoon to play dead in the front yard...Okay, I hit him with the truck but the end result is the same thing.

   "Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve? For thou art a douche." -W. Shakespeare, Sonnet #18, First draft

   I'm pretty sure Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are slowly melting together into one person

   The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.

   Amazon is now offering Special Christmas Drone Deliveries to Pakistan!

   They say one glass of wine a day is good for you. They never say how many times to fill it tho ;)

   My New Year's Resolution is to not use facebook unless I'm going to update my status, make comments or read other people's stuff. So far I'm doing really good!

   Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then

   Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it....

   Text Chicago to 90999 to donate $75 plus a tax of 10% and a parking fee of $10 plus a beer fund of 8.5% to donate for Illinois Earthquake Relief

   giving up shame for lent this year. Should make for a great week

   should have gotten some actual friends before making a Facebook account!

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case

   cant believe its not butter

   going to keep his Facebook account but delete his real life...

   Decided to make "eyjafjallajökull" my safe word.

   I LOVE it when people that I don't like friend request me on Facebook, I feel like St. Peter --- DE-NIED! Ü

   oh dear... I seemed to have lost my diet instead of the weight...

   I choose to be different because being normal is boring.