Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'Why are you walking away when we're in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! At least give me your number!'

   No YouP0rn... I do not want to play poker, I'm at work for crying out loud.

   .... If you had to choose between voting for Hillary and getting shot in the leg ...... What caliber would you ask for?

   It’s 2015, why don’t we have hover-boards yet?” he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything

   Son needed a topic for his science project and I suggested "A Science Project That Wasn't 100% Completed By Dad."

   Judge: State your name. Me: Not Guilty. Judge: What? Me: I had my name changed to Not Guilty. Judge: You're Not Guilty? Me: *Moonwalks outta there*

   I make breakfast for my 1 night stands. In hopes they tell there friends about me.

   Now that the 4th of July has come and gone, who's Right's, Belief's, or Heritage should we isht on this week?

   I wonder if, Wes Craven died in his sleep....Or did he go out with a Scream?

   WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE ......... WE HAVE ...... well, I'm not sure WHAT we have actually ....... it is Very Dark in here.

   Chipotle diet plan... Eat a 1300 calorie burrito... get E.Coli... crap and puke out 1600 calories!

   Sometimes you just have to let the anger guide you.

   Christmas. It's been a long 2 1/2 months.

   Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.

   Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had been changed. I Looked at the dog.. He looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

   "Can you validate my parking?".. "You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud."... *wipes away tear,,, "Thanks."

   Sure, I'll show up at your vegetarian Halloween Party... I'll be coming as the invisible man....

   Dear people jogging with that stupid smile on your face. I know what route you take and I will jump out of bushes and scare that smile away

   I trained a raccoon to play dead in the front yard...Okay, I hit him with the truck but the end result is the same thing.

   "Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve? For thou art a douche." -W. Shakespeare, Sonnet #18, First draft