Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   legally dead for tax purposes

   How in the Hell does Hillary Clinton get a concussion when she's been ducking everything??

   How do you identify Dolly Parton's children at a party? They're the ones with stretch marks around their mouths.

   FOL = Fart Out loud

   "It's time to take back our country!" Fine. Just return it to your nearest Indian casino.

   heavily armed....and not afraid to flab them in your face!!!

   thinks that the song 'Take You Down' by Chris Brown was actually a message to Rihanna.

   God gave me this illness to remind me that I'm not number One; he is. -Muhammad Ali (renowned World Boxing Champion)

   I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.

   Someday I want to run through a field of marijuana.

   How come when Disney characters kiss a beautiful sleeping woman it's considered "heroic", but when I do it, it's just "rapey"?

   Immigrants are like sperm. Millions get in...only one works!

   Duct tape can't fix stupid Hillary Clinton supporters, but it can muffle the sound.

   Warm weather brings out the non tax payers outside

   "F%&k da haters, imma do me, these b!tches aint real I'm the realest b!tch" - Every Ghetto Chick On Facebook

   : I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.

   ESPN is reporting that San Francisco 49ers rookie Kyle Williams just tried to kill himself in the locker room. Luckily, he dropped the gun on the floor and it was recovered by the Giants...

   For some reason, I'm reminded of all the happy people celebrating on the deck of the Titanic right before it left port...

   be warned if you piss me off today I'm going to knock your teeth so far down your throat you will need to stick your toothbrush up your backside to clean them

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.