Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks that the song 'Take You Down' by Chris Brown was actually a message to Rihanna.

   I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.

   Someday I want to run through a field of marijuana.

   How come when Disney characters kiss a beautiful sleeping woman it's considered "heroic", but when I do it, it's just "rapey"?

   Immigrants are like sperm. Millions get in...only one works!

   Duct tape can't fix stupid Hillary Clinton supporters, but it can muffle the sound.

   Warm weather brings out the non tax payers outside

   "F%&k da haters, imma do me, these b!tches aint real I'm the realest b!tch" - Every Ghetto Chick On Facebook

   : I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.

   ESPN is reporting that San Francisco 49ers rookie Kyle Williams just tried to kill himself in the locker room. Luckily, he dropped the gun on the floor and it was recovered by the Giants...

   For some reason, I'm reminded of all the happy people celebrating on the deck of the Titanic right before it left port...

   be warned if you piss me off today I'm going to knock your teeth so far down your throat you will need to stick your toothbrush up your backside to clean them

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   Ladies; don't judge a man on some sh*t that you heard about his past. If you wasn't in it then it's none of your business.

   The kids nowadays don't realize how lucky they are when it comes to porn. They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds. When I was a kid, I used to have a wank when I typed the digits 55318008 into a calculator

   MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on?

   Why do the Scottish wear kilts?.......... Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.

   i wish I saved all the tears I cried for you so I could drown you in them

   Looking for a new job. One that I can sit at a long table, take off my glasses, and say "If your calculations are correct...my God have mercy on our souls" Pay negotiable

   The train of failure usually runs on the tracks of laziness.