Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red velvet suit, if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with 9 tiny reindeer pulling him along, then you have to face it your eggnog's too strong

   If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.

   I wonder if my life would be better if I wrapped it in bacon?

   Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend's head...

   Someone just told me that everything that I see in the internet isn't true.......so does that mean that there's no beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me?

   just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream

   That Awkward moment when you realize no one liked you're status 8 hours later

   If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!

   When I was a kid I used to call my house after curfew wait for my mom to answer and say, 'I got it Mom' then hang up and stay out all night.

   Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..

   Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves

   Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what's your plan?

   Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn't give them a progress report every week.

   I tried ordering one of Justin Bieber's CDs for my niece's birthday on Amazon. Amazon said "costumers who bought this also bought a rope and a stool."

   Boat on land. Worst escape vehicle ever.

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   Let's face it... Seeing a cameltoe in leapord print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on a safari...

   Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?

   Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest ..... Eat a banana!

   I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.