Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who names these hurricanes? I don't want to die in a hurricane named sandy, I wanna be wiped out by the cyclone of doom, the hurricane of pain or even the population ripper but please god, not sandy!

   It just hit me.....I will never get to experience a fried Twinkie

   Every f'n idiot with Instagram now thinks they are a photographer. Knock it off.... You look like a tool.

   As a kid I remember my dad taking us to a hill and rolling us down in tires. Them were Good Years

   I really, really, really enjoy being off of work.

   Tom, an 80 year old man, failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today. One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "Damn big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

   The only math I'm good at is adding insult to injury.

   My 1 year old is an absolutely terrible waitress. Food is everywhere and my beer is unopened.

   Dear Mr underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas.

   I think if they named all the huricanes after men, they probaably would never make it past the Virgin Islands...

   - Oh, you don't like me? Go stand in line with the rest of the haters waiting for me to give a f-ck!

   Dear "LOL".....Thanks for helping me make people think their jokes were funny.

   PHEW!!! I thought my food stamps were going to vanish..

   Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."

   wonders if the person that invented the vibrator heard voices in his head that said, "if you build it, they will come."

   ate 3.14159265358979323846ths of a pi

   ZOMBIE FART JOKE: Pull off my finger.

   I keep forgetting the rules. When Jesus doesn't show up, is that 6 more weeks of winter?

   It takes a natural disaster in Haiti for the US government to step up and donate money and aid and go above and beyond to offer assiatnce. Yet, they are too incompetent to do the same thing in our own country.

   I'm not religious, but I love God.