Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love the Macys Thanksgiving day parade. Where you can watch your favorite stars lipsync to their hit songs!

   Why do they say a football team is the 'world champion' when they don't play anybody outside the US?

   A friend in Arizona was about to roll a joint but was busted because he didn't have any papers

   I wonder if I shipped off a couple of Gold Fish to Cash for Gold,, would I get any $$$$?

   This is today 8====> and this is me (_!_)

   Speed remake idea: In this version you can't EXCEED 30mph, Keanu is an old Asian lady, the bus is the car ahead of me, and it's not a movie.

   Wanna help me test out my new guillotine? I'll do all the hard work, you can just lie there...

   The worst part about watching porn on your smart phone is getting interrupted by texts from your mother...

   We're all here because we're not all there...

   If you're always feeling a little grumpy, next time try a different dwarf...

   "I want a man who takes control but isn't controlling" - Women

   Technically, it isn't pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

   Want to make a good first impression on a guy? Ask questions about him, seem interested, listen, giggle and swallow.

   If McDonald's made a deep fried pickle covered in a batter and called it the McDill Dough... would you order one?

   Santa has elves. America has China.

   It's not a real relationship until you secretly start to hate each other.

   Even if incase the moon landing episode was fake... You have to give Neil Armstrong credit for planting an American flag somewhere, without killing anyone.

   Who names these hurricanes? I don't want to die in a hurricane named sandy, I wanna be wiped out by the cyclone of doom, the hurricane of pain or even the population ripper but please god, not sandy!

   It just hit me.....I will never get to experience a fried Twinkie

   Every f'n idiot with Instagram now thinks they are a photographer. Knock it off.... You look like a tool.