Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
This government shutdown is not as complete or thorough as some might expect. NPR, C-Span, PBS, CNN and MSNBC are still on... 
My wife likes to talk during sex. Stuff like: "Why is the bathroom door locked?!?" and "What are you doing in there?"
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
If you just came out of a one year coma, and everyone was telling you that Trump was the GOP nominee for President, you would be convinced you were on some kind of hidden camera prank show.
A secret handshake will get you into the "Beyond" section of Bed Bath & Beyond. Includes videogames, beer & lightsabers. Ask for Steve.
At some point you outgrow feelings and you outgrow people. Its nothing personal. Its part of human nature. As much as we would want it to, nothing lasts forever.
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
When my phone dies and I don’t have a charger, I might as well be Amish.
Dear sneeze, If you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and leave.
I can understand the right to protest. What I don't understand is why everyone had Christmas Lists in their hands. Oh yeah..... Looting Monday.....
Ugh! Left my purse in the car and now I have to deal with the Polar Kotex!
a proud member of the 97% who won't copy & paste chain status updates.
"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison."
Me without you is like a nerd without braces, A shoe without laces, aSentenceWithoutSpaces
can't believe he was snubbed again this year for "Sexiest Man Alive" title...Damn you Johnny Depp.
just thrown out of church: I put $100 in the offering plate and the Priest was so excited he asked me to come up front and pick three hymns. I replied, <pointing> I'll take him… and him… and him….
found the woman of his dreams, and as soon as the restraining order is lifted....he'll have her panties to prove it.
it takes a lot of balls to golf like I do
The alphabet is a lot like life, except in life we don't like to mention our X's
loves to watch Men's iceskating - once every four years. 