Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A secret handshake will get you into the "Beyond" section of Bed Bath & Beyond. Includes videogames, beer & lightsabers. Ask for Steve.

   At some point you outgrow feelings and you outgrow people. Its nothing personal. Its part of human nature. As much as we would want it to, nothing lasts forever.

   Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.

   When my phone dies and I don’t have a charger, I might as well be Amish.

   Dear sneeze, If you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and leave.

   I can understand the right to protest. What I don't understand is why everyone had Christmas Lists in their hands. Oh yeah..... Looting Monday.....

   Ugh! Left my purse in the car and now I have to deal with the Polar Kotex!

   a proud member of the 97% who won't copy & paste chain status updates.

   "Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison."

   Me without you is like a nerd without braces, A shoe without laces, aSentenceWithoutSpaces

   can't believe he was snubbed again this year for "Sexiest Man Alive" title...Damn you Johnny Depp.

   just realized there's Amish people living at the end of my street. There's a sign down there that says "No Outlet"

   found the woman of his dreams, and as soon as the restraining order is lifted....he'll have her panties to prove it.

   it takes a lot of balls to golf like I do

   The alphabet is a lot like life, except in life we don't like to mention our X's

   loves to watch Men's iceskating - once every four years.

   Why get stuck with the whole pig just for a little sausage?

   no easter bunnies were harmed in the making of this status

   just thrown out of church: I put $100 in the offering plate and the Priest was so excited he asked me to come up front and pick three hymns. I replied, <pointing> I'll take him… and him… and him….

   Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile