Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tired of the dying person who keeps emailing with his billion dollars. I hope he dies soon so he would quit sending the emails.

   thinks cocaine is a good way of telling you that you make too much money

   NO Katy Perry, I have NEVER felt like a plastic bag!

   Next time send the navy seals after Casey, not the Orange county sheriff

   i'm not a stalker I just like impromptu games of follow the leader...... to their house

   Tattoos are bumper stickers for the soul.

   Driving down the road I saw a person hitch hiking, the sign read "Heaven Bound". Me being the good person I am, I hit that person, I hope they made it!

   May the fourth be with you.

   I knew that I could outdrive Tiger Woods

   Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he cant wait to stick his head out the window into the wind??

   : Twists and Turns and yet NO Lessons Learned!!!! :(

   Lefties can argue all they want that they are better than people who use their right hand, but I know for a fact that the right leg is more important than the left. How many people use their left leg when they drive an automatic car?

   Joined a cult today.

   Don't make the same mistake your parents did...Use birth control! ;)

   I like it wherever I can get it, just saying lady's.........

   divorce is unexpected sometimes...I know you don't have facebook hubby but the biotch your doing that has been creeping my status can give ya this message....lawyer will be in touch with the divorce papers you cheating jerk!!

   don't look at me in that tone of voice

   i think this will possibly be the best valentines day I have ever had... I can feel it in my icebox where my heart used to be

   If you're genuinely surprised that a successful political outsider won the Presidency instead of the corrupt Politician in the pantsuit, Please sit down .... There's something important I need to tell you about Santa Claus .....

   McDonald's does not know why sales are lagging. Guess they have not tasted the product.