Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coke dealers. Always sticking their business in other people's noses.

   I knew that I could outdrive Tiger Woods

   Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he cant wait to stick his head out the window into the wind??

   Lefties can argue all they want that they are better than people who use their right hand, but I know for a fact that the right leg is more important than the left. How many people use their left leg when they drive an automatic car?

   : Twists and Turns and yet NO Lessons Learned!!!! :(

   Joined a cult today.

   Don't make the same mistake your parents did...Use birth control! ;)

   I like it wherever I can get it, just saying lady's.........

   divorce is unexpected sometimes...I know you don't have facebook hubby but the biotch your doing that has been creeping my status can give ya this message....lawyer will be in touch with the divorce papers you cheating jerk!!

   don't look at me in that tone of voice

   i think this will possibly be the best valentines day I have ever had... I can feel it in my icebox where my heart used to be

   If you're genuinely surprised that a successful political outsider won the Presidency instead of the corrupt Politician in the pantsuit, Please sit down .... There's something important I need to tell you about Santa Claus .....

   McDonald's does not know why sales are lagging. Guess they have not tasted the product.

   What's next TLC...a little people Polygamist family with 38 kids?

   I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.

   Before I got in a relationship I never even knew it was possible to breathe wrong.

   Happy B-day United States Marine Corps 240 years of Bad Assery

   You're not a true drama queen until people start making popcorn when they see you walking down the street.

   I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back. . .

   Dear Dad, Thanks for not pulling out! Happy Father's Day!!!