Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ■Remember, people only rain on your parade because they're jealous of your sun & tired of their shade

   They say, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get". Maybe its just me but........wont you get........chocolate??

   There's no better person to have as your friend than a bartender who doesn't give a f*ck.

   All hot women should be seen in 3-D. That's my apartment #. 3-D.

   I was in my doctors office the other day. he said "One last thing, you really have to stop eating so many eggs." I said "Is my cholestoral too high?" Then the doctor said " No, but you farted in the waiting room and darn near killed everyubody.'

   The most common phrase in China: "Hey! You look familiar!"

   Kim Jong died? I didn't even know he was IL

   If gay people are fruity, then straight people are veggies and bisexuals are tomatoes.

   Mexican Word for the day is : CHICKEN ....Usage: "My wife wanted me to go to the store for her, but chicken go herself!"

   I joined Farmersonly.com and I've already hooked up with my sister and 2 cousins!!

   I made a desicion to practice celibancy,and my right hand asked if we separated....

   Afroman was going to vote. But then he got high..

   Why do we call it passing gas? Who are we passing it to? Let's just call it offering up a preview of our pending crap.

   The Boston Marathon explosion is a terrible tragedy, but what bugs me is all the stupid FB people sitting eating doritos now postinf stupid candle photos and thoughts and prayer crap, get off your butts and make it a safer world

   I started my new abs workout tonight. I did 25 crunches while sitting on the toilet. I gotta cut back on the cheese. Oh yeahhh, feel the burn... ツ

   "wondering what flavor milkshake ""brings all the boys to the yard"""

   Ladies: Stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet.....Sweeping is your job.

   Why is sperm white!!????? Because if it was black it wouldn't be able to swim

   I like my coffee so black not even Donald Sterling will drink it

   Twerking and selfie have been officially added to the dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed.