Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks there should be some kind of test for babies in the delivery room; and if they're going to grow up stupid they should be neutered immediately.

   got fired today but is planning on showing up to work tomorrow anyway hoping they forgot...

   Just call executions "late term abortions" and Dems will support them.

   I asked Santa for Hillary Clinton for Christmas, but he said “No, You’ll Shoot Her Eye Out!”

   There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

   Roses are unicorns, violets are green, welcome to the party, I'm Charlie Sheen.

   Part of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don't listen to her. She's drunk

   ■Remember, people only rain on your parade because they're jealous of your sun & tired of their shade

   They say, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get". Maybe its just me but........wont you get........chocolate??

   There's no better person to have as your friend than a bartender who doesn't give a f*ck.

   All hot women should be seen in 3-D. That's my apartment #. 3-D.

   I was in my doctors office the other day. he said "One last thing, you really have to stop eating so many eggs." I said "Is my cholestoral too high?" Then the doctor said " No, but you farted in the waiting room and darn near killed everyubody.'

   The most common phrase in China: "Hey! You look familiar!"

   Kim Jong died? I didn't even know he was IL

   If gay people are fruity, then straight people are veggies and bisexuals are tomatoes.

   Mexican Word for the day is : CHICKEN ....Usage: "My wife wanted me to go to the store for her, but chicken go herself!"

   I joined Farmersonly.com and I've already hooked up with my sister and 2 cousins!!

   I made a desicion to practice celibancy,and my right hand asked if we separated....

   Afroman was going to vote. But then he got high..

   Why do we call it passing gas? Who are we passing it to? Let's just call it offering up a preview of our pending crap.