Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked this asian lady what she wanted to drink. She said: "Aren't you so nice." I said, "Well, thanks! So nothing to drink?" She said: "ORANGE JUICE NO ICE!"

   Hard Nipple season has arrived! Thank you Mr. Jack Frost. Well played sir!

   Tiger's wife is willing to forgive him if he changes his name to Cheatah.

   The only solution to a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Banning guns is not the solution.

   Thank God International Women's Day is only once per year. I don't think I can do a second day, in the year, without someone bringing me a sandwich.

   Got my passport application forms back today. Apparently in the Place of Birth section:"between my mother's legs" isn't an acceptable answer!!!

   throwing skittles at people and yelling "TASTE THE FLIPPIN RAINBOW''

   Blind belief is so often the death of reason.

   Be careful driving out there.This time of year, black ice matters.

   How many animals can you fit inside a pair of panty hose? 2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a sh1tload of hares, 1 camel toe and a fish nobody can find!!

   may not be smarter than a 5th grader but for sure smarter than a 4th grader

   if nothing goes right for you .... Go left!

   Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your d**k look small.

   The Patriots defensive scheme worked almost as well as the Obamacare website.

   You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......

   First Lady Gaga shows up at the VMAs covered in meat. Then arrives at the Grammys in an egg. She's only about two red carpets away from being a Denny's Grand Slam.

   bet Oprah's pissed she pre-recorded her interview with Obama last week to air today.

   My son told me his medium wings were too hot... Now he has to wear the Tampon of Shame necklace for the rest of the day......... Thems the rules

   Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not.

   I am sure that in alcohol are female hormones. When I drink I talk too much and dont know how to drive.