Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scheming and presenting an outward appearance of good while concealing its opposite...... The sign of the hypocrite.

   The playground for success is a mere paradox to the reality in which we live

   I'm all for abstinence to prevent teen pregnancies and all...But I really do believe that if I would've gotten laid when I was in High School my grades would've been alot better.

   So facebook is down for a few hours. I bet this will be the most productive business day in years.

   Me: Hold still,,, All I'm trying to do is wipe your nose.... Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*

   When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment .... NOW I consider it a mini vacation.

   Apparently,,,, The first rule of Fight Club is to get caught looking at another woman.

   My signature move is to bottle up my feelings over time and then combust over some small issue and get accused of being a psycho.

   where's the CTRL, ALT and DELETE buttons on life?

   The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

   TIP: Make sure the other person has their hand up before you attempt a fist bump.

   Yesterday at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History Security was all over the area... They patted me up and down a couple of times... They frisked me, I was even groped. Then I got back in line.

   Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think.

   I'm doing a marathon today! 14 hours of Law & Order SVU!!!

   "I have explosive diarrhea" can pretty much get you out of any social commitment.

   I never had a near death experience. But I did once take a cab through Manhattan during rush hour.

   Not many people take kindly to me. I really like those kinds of people.

   It's bad manners to ask someone how many people they've murdered.

   Working out in my basement. So far, no one has hit on me.

   You're only as attractive as getting your photo taken in the middle of a yawn.