Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Santa is really going to enjoy the cookies he gets from Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon and Washington this year.

   they are making new a fast and furious and a new transformers movie. any hope I had for 2017 being a good year has fast evaporated

   So, Mick Jagger is a new father at the age of 73. I guess time really is on his side.

   It always seems impossible until it's done

   All those against armpit tickling raised their hands..... *And what happened next is history.

   I like sleeping because it is kind of like being dead but without the commitment.

   Justin Bieber looks like he needs to be cast in a Home Alone movie.

   I think I'll open a Vietnamese restaurant that never closes and call it "Twenty Pho Seven."

   If I had a penny everytime that I thought about you, my pants would fall down.

   I bet toilet paper rolls in CIA offices all have the 4th Amendment printed on them.

   I was thinking about the wikileaks revelation that the cia records people through their cell phone. It occured to me that they must have millions upon millions of hours of nothing but the sound of a toilet flushing.

   I miss the 90s when grunge rock made bedhead cool and fashionable.

   The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

   Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark? Me: party?

   Her: What sign are you most compatible with? Me: Krispy Kreme's hot and ready sign.

   With my luck, I'll be reincarnated as me again...

   She is like a low profile tire, sexy, but gonna cost you a bunch of money.

   Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign? Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

   Whoever said "Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today" knew how to log out of facebook.

   Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet