Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stopped at a red light next to a cop car, I always roll down my window and say "I don't have any guns or heroin if that's what you were thinking."

   The person who invented winking was definitely a little sketchy.

   Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark? Me: party?

   Her: What sign are you most compatible with? Me: Krispy Kreme's hot and ready sign.

   With my luck, I'll be reincarnated as me again...

   She is like a low profile tire, sexy, but gonna cost you a bunch of money.

   Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign? Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

   Whoever said "Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today" knew how to log out of facebook.

   Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

   Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

   OK. So Donald Duck never wore pants, but when he steps out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist. What's up with that?

   If you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came, then your probably a alcoholic.

   Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because your special!....or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.

   I like robo calls. I get to make up new cuss words.

   Dec.05 Repeal of prohbition day..... I'll drink to that.

   When it comes for the New Year's count down, raise your left leg. That way you'll start the New Year out on the right foot.

   t takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

   If some of you people are giving up booze for January, but still want those lovely pubs to be there when you get back, some of us real heroes are just going to have to buckle down and do your drinking for you. Don’t thank me. It’s what I do.

   You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window

   It wasn’t the hundreds of selfies with snapchat filters that bothered me that much. It was the fact she actually had bunny ears and freakishly oversized eyes when she showed up to dinner.