Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Out of all my hobbies, killing brain cells is probably my favorite one.

   Brazil tie with South Africa 0-0 in soccer at Rio Olympics. Not to worry, though: EVERYONE goes home with a free Zika virus.

   Water polo? How do they prevent the horses from drowning?

   Oh you dont like your job, there's a support group for that, it's called Everyone...and they meet at the bar

   Bearded Dragons are just hipster reptiles.

   Would someone go to the kitchen and bring me some Doritos? I'm busy yelling at world class Olympic athletes to swim faster.

   I know 5 people who are clinically insane , I'm 2 of them

   Only 4 more months until Ryan Lochte comes down the chimney and brings us all presents.

   Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I'm not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

   Well, if you don't shop at Walmart, where do you buy your hotdog flavored potato chips?

   I'm gonna light a tire fire on my front lawn & just chant all day & night until my kids start school again so everyone understands my pain.

   Remember the time I blocked every channel except QVC and you were so mad and it was totally worth it because we got a deep fryer?

   When my first instinct was to swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid hitting a squirrel, I realized I might not be part of God's elite squad.

   Facebook's great for tedious daily updates from people who should have inched away from you in the natural continental drift of life by now.

   I'm not a gold digger, I just know you can't spell finance without fiancé.

   I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 10:00 AM on a Saturday.

   Well it took forever and I almost got beat up but I paid for my Taco Bell fully with all the quarters I found behind the cashier's ear.

   Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

   Notes From The Teacher: Please have little Johnny practice the phrase, "Paper or plastic?"

   Facebook memories... Just in case you didn't have enough "WTF was I thinking" moments during the day..