Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.

   It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist's finger before she stops believing that you're doing it accidentally.

   Roses are red Violets are blue Friend Requests are great But who the f#$k are you?

   We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes... ;) :D :P

   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   Life is too short for regrets, so after mortally wounding your enemies, learn to forgive yourself and move on

   Noticed this morning that I have the body of a Greek GOD! Old, obsolete, and something that no one is interested in anymore.

   My uncle once told me, believe in yourself, work hard, and try not to have sex with other peoples wifes

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?

   If someone starts a speech, "I'd like to take this opportunity--," I interrupt by shouting, "He's trying to take our opportunity! Grab him!"

   I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.

   i cant decide between American Idol, DWTS, THe Voice or chopping my nuts off with the hedge trimmers.....

   I hope the word ‘berserk’ appears at least once in my obituary.

   Meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Wednesday because this is bulls**t."

   I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

   Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you havent pissed in 8 hrs

   you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!

   Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is

   You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can't conjugate verbs.