Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A solid way to make your waiter's head explode is to order a grilled cheese with no bread.

   One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

   The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald's eating hotcakes and sausage.

   My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded,

   [a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

   I want to hire a Chipotle employee to tuck me in at night.

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching The Wiggles over and over..

   Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

   Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon [later] Wife: pass me the rock sample bags Me: I thought you brought them

   I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.

   Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"

   My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

   Imagine a world where everyone looked like their profile pictures.

   I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.

   It's not every day you're woken up with a blow job from a beautiful woman. And today was no different.

   My favorite way to ruin a romantic evening is by coming out of the bathroom naked and singing Love Boat until the waiter asks us to leave.

   How you all like the new page?

   people worry about their "summer body" but I've been working on my "winter weight" for years

   If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

   I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn't look like we're six days into battling a poltergeist.