Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please Note: That ad On Craigslist is a Scam!! I repeat, It's a Scam!!! The Pokemon Ho has nothing to do with that game everybody has been playing!!

   Wow, that's a nice looking pair of crocs!" - Said by no one...

   Tim Tebow speaking at the Republican National Convention guarantees the Republicans have no shot at winning the Superbowl next year.

   Aladdin is my favorite story about how anything is possible if you find a magical genie that grants wishes.

   On a deteriorative scale, my liver is somewhere between Ozzy Osbourne and Charlie Sheen.

   Maybe the Pokemon Go players with jobs should drop some "lures" near the local unemployment offices and "temp" agencies! If they can put so much energy into looking for an imaginary animal maybe they can put some energy into finding a job!

   I don't understand why they called it "WebMD" when they could have called it "Sickipedia."

   Love hot yoga because it's over 100 degrees with someone yelling at you. It's like growing up Italian in Florida.

   When any woman says, "That garbage can is full" she isn't challenging me to fit more in. She means empty the garbage.

   People who swear a lot tend to be more honest, upfront, and loyal with their friends, partners and family. I find this fact offensive.

   Pleasant, 40ish, female seeks zany caper. Skills include the ability to identify ideas that are so crazy, they just might work.

   Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?

   I asked my dry cleaners if they accepted credit cards and they said yes and then I asked if by chance they accepted declined credit cards.

   Antibiotics could be considered a performance enhancing drug at this year's Olympics.

   *Whispers "we should run away together" while petting the neighbor's dog*

   I think I just caught Scott Stapp on Pokemon Go.

   Out of all my hobbies, killing brain cells is probably my favorite one.

   Brazil tie with South Africa 0-0 in soccer at Rio Olympics. Not to worry, though: EVERYONE goes home with a free Zika virus.

   Water polo? How do they prevent the horses from drowning?

   Oh you dont like your job, there's a support group for that, it's called Everyone...and they meet at the bar