Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I text with “Almost there!” I haven't left yet...

   I wish I was a pirate, so I could explain why I swashbuckle.

   Facebook: Where you can be who you wish you were.

   Being unmarried can shorten a man's life by ten years.... Yeah,, us guys tend to do better when we are properly supervised.

   Some of these actors are so good at playing the bad guy role that when I see them in real life, I just want to punch them in the throat.

   I’m not addicted to coffee… we’re just in a committed relationship.

   No need to make faces in pics. You're ugly enough as it is.

   writes apology to 90's hip hop for the words he never gave to his mother.

   I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong when they raised me, and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."

   Has anybody told Squirrels about crosswalks?

   Got passed by a Smart car today, and now I'm wondering where I can pick up a stronger set of balls.

   When we grow old and become mature enough to live happily, we die.

   Don't you find it suspicious that success and myself are never in the same place at the same time?

   The only thing I’ve ever passed is out.

   After looking at the faces in the crowds at the Vatican City... The Catholics have now agreed to birth control...

   Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! The day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except the Irish... they pretend they're sober.

   What a gorgeous day to walk around outside staring at my phone.

   If you saunter in front of my car like there's no rush while I politely wait for you, I will continue to wait in quiet rage. Take that!

   I’m so glad I found you in all this wreckage of a planet.

   If you controlled them they wouldn't be impulses aymore now would they