Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I look forward to the day that I have a burger named after me.

   Choosing a beer from my fridge makes me feel like I'm choosing the right weapon for an epic duel.

   I love it when I go see my parents for the first time in a while and after "hello" comes "good thing you came, my printer is broken".

   Call me a rank nostaligist, but I possess an almost misty-eyed fondness for the pre-face eating era...

   I sure hope women don't roll their eyes in real life as much as they do here on facebook.

   To win without risk is to triumph without glory.

   I'm on the road to recovery......I'm just making a stop at the liquor store first

   A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."

   If I text with “Almost there!” I haven't left yet...

   I wish I was a pirate, so I could explain why I swashbuckle.

   Facebook: Where you can be who you wish you were.

   Being unmarried can shorten a man's life by ten years.... Yeah,, us guys tend to do better when we are properly supervised.

   Some of these actors are so good at playing the bad guy role that when I see them in real life, I just want to punch them in the throat.

   I’m not addicted to coffee… we’re just in a committed relationship.

   No need to make faces in pics. You're ugly enough as it is.

   writes apology to 90's hip hop for the words he never gave to his mother.

   I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong when they raised me, and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."

   Has anybody told Squirrels about crosswalks?

   Got passed by a Smart car today, and now I'm wondering where I can pick up a stronger set of balls.

   When we grow old and become mature enough to live happily, we die.