Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why do chickens wake up so early? it’s not like they have a job or go to school. all they do all day is just walk around eating and sh*tting.

   Of course you're sorry, you got caught.

   I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.

   Lock Chris Brown up till he's pregnant!!

   If by baby you mean dog, then yes I'd love to see pictures of your baby!

   He died doing what he loved, not replying to my texts.

   If I wanted your opinion...I'd ask you to fill out the neccesary forms!

   Talking to your ex about your past relationship with them is like logging back on to MySpace. Once you've logged in, you will instantly realize why you left in the first place.

   Do you answer the call or do you revel in the power when someone calls out begging for toilet paper

   I don't care if I'm buried or cremated, as long as I never die.

   Wesminster has got to let the handlers dress in sweats and sneaks...cuz they look like a-holes runnin in skirts and suits

   Damn, The supermarket is out of Turkey Hill.

   I look forward to the day that I have a burger named after me.

   Choosing a beer from my fridge makes me feel like I'm choosing the right weapon for an epic duel.

   I love it when I go see my parents for the first time in a while and after "hello" comes "good thing you came, my printer is broken".

   Call me a rank nostaligist, but I possess an almost misty-eyed fondness for the pre-face eating era...

   I sure hope women don't roll their eyes in real life as much as they do here on facebook.

   To win without risk is to triumph without glory.

   I'm on the road to recovery......I'm just making a stop at the liquor store first

   A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."