Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gotta love a woman who can hand you your own ass.....

   I'd love to have a deep meaningful discussion with my daughter but I'm not that good at emojis.

   My therapist is right, you need help.

   Tired of rap songs starting with MC going "uhuh uhuh...One two one two...Let's do this..." No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

   Pitching a marriage game show called ""Fine or Not Fine?"

   If you play a Nickelback CD backwards you hear Ozzy laughing at you because you bought a Nickelback CD.

   All those hugs at the May-Pac fight last night should have been followed with the referee giving a swift kick to their butts.

   I really like people who don't know how full of crap I really am.

   why do chickens wake up so early? it’s not like they have a job or go to school. all they do all day is just walk around eating and sh*tting.

   Of course you're sorry, you got caught.

   I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.

   Lock Chris Brown up till he's pregnant!!

   If by baby you mean dog, then yes I'd love to see pictures of your baby!

   He died doing what he loved, not replying to my texts.

   If I wanted your opinion...I'd ask you to fill out the neccesary forms!

   Talking to your ex about your past relationship with them is like logging back on to MySpace. Once you've logged in, you will instantly realize why you left in the first place.

   Do you answer the call or do you revel in the power when someone calls out begging for toilet paper

   I don't care if I'm buried or cremated, as long as I never die.

   Wesminster has got to let the handlers dress in sweats and sneaks...cuz they look like a-holes runnin in skirts and suits

   Damn, The supermarket is out of Turkey Hill.