Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am sorry that I have not matured past the point of making everything into sexual innuendo. ...It's just really hard.

   If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again.

   Friendship is so weird, you just pick a human you've met and you're like "Yep I like this one" and you just do stuff with them.

   Never trust people who talk to their pets in normal voices.

   The amount of memes that relate to my life is becoming increasingly embarrassing.

   Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my cat's paw and she pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

   I can't wait till St.Patricks Day....!!! The one day a year I can eat lucky charms dowsed in green beer for breakfast and my wife can't say crap.....

   Anything can be toilet paper if you're brave enough

   Love the share your memories. Hey, I deleted that stupid f#cking comment of yours from four years ago. Do you have a guilty conscience.. lol. . .

   I'll see your happy endings and raise you a lifetime filled with fabulous moments. Your call!

   That moment when you fart really loud then suddenly remember there is someone else in the elevator with you.

   Led Zeppelin's "In My Time Of Dying" is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

   Gotta love a woman who can hand you your own ass.....

   I'd love to have a deep meaningful discussion with my daughter but I'm not that good at emojis.

   My therapist is right, you need help.

   Tired of rap songs starting with MC going "uhuh uhuh...One two one two...Let's do this..." No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

   Pitching a marriage game show called ""Fine or Not Fine?"

   If you play a Nickelback CD backwards you hear Ozzy laughing at you because you bought a Nickelback CD.

   All those hugs at the May-Pac fight last night should have been followed with the referee giving a swift kick to their butts.

   I really like people who don't know how full of crap I really am.