Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Found a great feature Facebook has that not only gives you more privately, it blocks drama and give you more free time to do the things you want to do. And if you'd like to try it go to "Settings" then to "Account Ownership" then click on "Delete Account"

   Can somebody tell me how Finding Dory ends? I was watching video of the minivan in front of me took an exit off the highway

   I get all the cardio I need by digging my own grave.

   The problem with glitter is when you get it on you, you can't get it off. Ever. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.

   There sure were a lot of lesbian nuns in the 70s.

   If the movies have taught me anything it's that sooner or later that car chase is gonna crash through a fruit stand.

   I'm holding out for the Buttermilk Ranch Tide pods.

   Last time I told my kids to play outdoors they thought I was talking about some old school riock group. They asked Siri to play songs by Outdoors.

   when idiots do the "Tide pod challenge" & a friend records it, are they POD casting?

   For the past 20 years I've got a valentine card from a secret admirer. And was sad when I didn't get one this year. Frist my meemaw dies, now this.

   The Hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to Fart Quietly Again

   We all have at least one of those creepy friends who are sure to comment on a Facebook post/status when they see a female comment first

   Yeah ok a bug hit your windshield but did you ever think how this story is told among his family?

   A relationship is doomed from the beginning, when all you bring to the table is your private parts.

   Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

   Don't believe your eyes or military satellite photos. Just blindly believe what a guy tells you. If you do, then please contact me so I can sell you shares in my unicorn ranch.

   What if we boil the lettuce first?

   You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. Youre moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. Youve just crossed into Facebook!

   If you can laugh at yourself you can save others a lot of trouble.

   I’ve realized that the penguin may be the only animal on earth that falls over more than I do