Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't use alcohol to solve my problems but when I'm drunk I'm an expert at solving yours.

   The FBI owes General David Petraeus an apology. Heck ... What's good for the Goose ... is also good for the Gander.

   Some guy called my girlfriend "ma'am" so now everybody's night is ruined.

   I used to dream of that fairytale kind of love. Now I'll settle for someone who'll gain weight faster than me.

   We didn't have presidential candidates like this back when people could smoke at their desks.

   Our kids will never know the terror of calling a crush and having a parent answer the phone.

   Third Child: Plastic grocery bag filled with one diaper, a half eaten cracker, and a flask.

   Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?

   I'm almost positive that Mona Lisa is smiling because she just passed gas and got away with it.

   I made this huge To-Do list for today. Guess my next job is gonna be who is gonna do all this stuff.

   You know you had a long 14hr night at work, when driving home you have to swerve to miss a tree,. Then realize it's an air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror.

   Sarah Palin not asked to speak at the Republican National Convention after discovering she doesn't have a passport to leave Alaska.

   ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I'm going to Skype call that radio psychic.... RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you're on the air...... ME: HOLY CRAP !?!

   .... In a world collapsing ..... What do YOU prefer? ...... Comforting LIES .... Or .... Unpleasant TRUTHS?

   It's Facebook, not Time Magazine. We don't need to see your entire life in pictures.

   Only you can prevent bathroom selfies.

   Evan McMullin, Gary Johnson and Jill Stein walk into a bar. No one recognizes them or offers to buy drinks.

   Sausage Party is expected to break the box office record for R-rated animated movies, which currently stands at $800.

   Things I Have Going For Me: I farted just as my boss walked out of the room so everyone thinks it was him.

   I didn't even know I liked water polo until I saw the women's uniforms. :P