Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The phrase "The Juice is loose" now has a new connotation.

   I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.

   Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.

   The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.

   Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.

   I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.

   Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

   It's not complicated....it's confusing & stressfull

   Don't believe your eyes or military satellite photos. Just blindly believe what a guy tells you. If you do, then please contact me so I can sell you shares in my unicorn ranch.

   What if we boil the lettuce first?

   You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. Youre moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. Youve just crossed into Facebook!

   If you can laugh at yourself you can save others a lot of trouble.

   I’ve realized that the penguin may be the only animal on earth that falls over more than I do

   Got my DNA test back from Ancestry.com. They sent me a pack of seeds and told me to start over. FML.

   I hate people who are too stubborn to let things go just because they don't want to be told "I told you so".

   Gave This Homeless Man $5 And Told Him Not 2 Buy Drugs With It and This dude Got The Nerve To Say "Don't Tell Me What To Do With My Money

   I wish I had as much closet space as people in horror movies.

   Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche.

   I guess winning the Super Bowl wasn't the happy ending Robert Kraft was looking for.

   My trust issues first started when my mom said "Come here, I'm not gonna hit you"...