Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife just shouted from another room "can you come to the phone" I shouted back "what sort of distance are we talking"

   You never realize what you have until it's gone...toilet paper is a prime example!

   I tried to end this farce of a life by jumping off a bridge only to discover that I can fly

   My favorite button on Facebook is the one that says “not now.” The world needs more buttons like that.

   Starting a hammock company for kids called "Kid-Naps" ........and maybe need to rethink some things....... :-(

   Every car should blast out the Back To The Future theme when they hit 88mph

   I'm not afraid of stupid people. I'm afraid of intelligent people with stupid ideas.

   I wonder if Tom Cruise is jumpin on the couch again since he's getting a divorce.

   Always insult accurately. Calling one a douchebag implies the ability to get near a v@gina.

   I think marriages should be called "pre-divorces". Sounds classier.

   If there were a pill for stupid....some people would have to take more than one.

   I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said.

   Some days I'm in control... and some days I'm allllll back of the bus 'n sh*t.

   My inner child just bit me.

   Nice..renewing your vows.......What the hell did you do with the previous ones? Broke and bent each one of them?

   I was enjoying my shower...until the Home Depot manager opened the curtains... then it turned awkward!

   My thoughts of you make me the perfect mixture of happy and horny.

   I like the Facebook update. My "Update Status" box used to read, "What's on your mind?", this morning it changed to "Who are you going to annoy now?".

   If you had asked me a year ago, “what do think is more important, the Cheese or the Cracker?” I would have said “Cheese”, all day…But now, I've come to the realization, that the cracker plays an equally pivotal roll for this prominent combinat

   Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.