Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No need to drive me crazy, I can walk from here.

   Someone asked for a donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave them a glass of water.

   I'm not worried about the hurricane. Trump will stop it.

   I wonder how many more times I can eat cake before the world ends.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best meds in the world, but they’re right up there.

   This world is seriously messed up. Tom Petty died while Justin Bieber is still alive and well.

   Don’t be shy, even cats lick each other.

   Most of my wives think I'm a Mormon.

   Based on the amount of money in my retirement account I have no objection to them raising the retirement age to 247.

   I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”

   I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.

   I always say "happy holidays" because I'm not sure if people celebrate anxiety or depression.

   Judging by all these mosquitos passed out and puking on my chest, I've had too much tequila.

   That moment you read a girls status that shouts out how much she loves her "brother", meanwhile you know shes an only child. #friendzoned

   Tip of the Day: Never treat someone like a queen that only treats you like a jester.

   You'd think the only people on Earth who could teleport would be working for the military instead of State Farm.

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot

   Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as "really nice" people. Who else is a "really nice" neighbor? Canada. I'm just sayin'

   I'm not a stalker, I'm just a self-appointed and unpaid private investigator.

   [job interview] *removes ear bud* yo, what's the wifi password up in here