Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [boiling pot] Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

   I just threatened to stick my toes in my husband’s beer in case you thought I’m normal in person.

   I got a restraining order from the Costco bagel sample lady.

   Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it? That’s twitter in human form.

   Threesome? No, thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.

   Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview? My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

   If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

   Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

   Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

   I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

   Why don't top sheets have a fitted bottom so that mf'er stays tucked in?

   Most of my wives think I'm a Mormon.

   Based on the amount of money in my retirement account I have no objection to them raising the retirement age to 247.

   I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”

   I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.

   I always say "happy holidays" because I'm not sure if people celebrate anxiety or depression.

   Judging by all these mosquitos passed out and puking on my chest, I've had too much tequila.

   That moment you read a girls status that shouts out how much she loves her "brother", meanwhile you know shes an only child. #friendzoned

   Tip of the Day: Never treat someone like a queen that only treats you like a jester.

   You'd think the only people on Earth who could teleport would be working for the military instead of State Farm.