Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”

   I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.

   I always say "happy holidays" because I'm not sure if people celebrate anxiety or depression.

   Judging by all these mosquitos passed out and puking on my chest, I've had too much tequila.

   That moment you read a girls status that shouts out how much she loves her "brother", meanwhile you know shes an only child. #friendzoned

   Tip of the Day: Never treat someone like a queen that only treats you like a jester.

   You'd think the only people on Earth who could teleport would be working for the military instead of State Farm.

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot

   Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as "really nice" people. Who else is a "really nice" neighbor? Canada. I'm just sayin'

   I'm not a stalker, I'm just a self-appointed and unpaid private investigator.

   [job interview] *removes ear bud* yo, what's the wifi password up in here

   Miley Cyrus has been out of the news for a while, so you can knock it of now ISIS.

   If you ever see a "26.2" or "13.1" sticker on my truck window, report it stolen.

   I have to sit in the passenger seat of a car driven by a 16 yr old with a learner's permit you don't scare me.

   Ice cubes just get in the way when your drinking becomes serious.

   Lasagna is a whol elot better once you realize its actually a noodle layer cake with meat filling and cheese frosting.

   I'm in it for the long run, as long as running isn't involved.

   When I have a bad day, I remind myself that beer exists.

   For best results use like way more than directed by your physician.

   Here's how the new mobile payment system works. If you so much as even glance at an Apple product, Apple Pay automatically deducts the full amount from your checking account...