Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I see a framed first dollar earned hanging in a business I wonder how many stripper's butt cracks it was in before that.

   Ann Coulter called "c*nt" 19 times during the 2 hour Comedy Central roast. Less than she's used to over a 2 hour period, but still a lot.

   Liver: Is today your birthday? Me: No. I'm watching the Presidential Debate. Liver: Oh Ok, that makes sense. Please continue!!!

   My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

   I'm old enough to remember using the ash tray in cars for cigarette butts ..

   If Scott Baio doesn't scream out BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YOU SAY BAIO BAIOOO during sex then clearly he's not in charge of anything.

   My kids must be so confused about what an adult is.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you" so I said "because my tweets are funny" We laughed and high-fived & now I'm in Jail

   PLease don't talk to me about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel all week and haven't had time to watch it yet.

   I keep failing this captcha test and now I think I may be a robot

   Amazing fact #362: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the NHL first started requiring helmets in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

   Oh, my bad. It's Ash Wednesday, with an 'h'... Sorry, honey. You can go back to sleep.

   Woman claim that they are good at multitasking. If so why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time

   I've been married for 14 years. The bad part, I don't recall ever breaking two mirriors.

   i wish I was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo

   Show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist Plot.

   [boiling pot] Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

   I just threatened to stick my toes in my husband’s beer in case you thought I’m normal in person.

   I got a restraining order from the Costco bagel sample lady.

   Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it? That’s twitter in human form.