Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling

   People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

   I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. Well, it’s true. After going to the gym this morning, I’ve decided I’m never going again.

   Coming out can be hard as people don't understand our way of life and can be very close minded, but I feel in this day and age I can no longer be afraid to say I love Disco!

   Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it..

   Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking

   If I got attacked by a bunch of homeless people I think I would really be bummed.

   My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he's sleeping in the RV.

   My son answered a test question "What causes the earth to rotate?" with "Fat bottomed girls." He failed the test but won my RESPECT.

   Im sorry ladies, but life is not a fairy tale, and If you lose your shoe after midnight it means, well, you’re drunk.

   Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting "here"

   keep up the good jokes. whoever you are. don't listen to that man behind the curtain

   Disney has a new movie coming out. TinkerBell meets her brother, Taco.

   I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

   Stronger Together. WTF does that even mean?

   I feel sorry for Bill Clinton, now he'll never become the First Lady! :p

   That moment when you go to hit the "Like" button and it turns to a heart and you're like "Whoa whoa whoa, I don't like it that much."

   ¡¡¡¡ǝʞɐʇsıɯ ʎq pɹɐoqʎǝʞ uɐılɐɹʇsnɐ ɐ ʇɥƃnoq ı dlǝɥ

   wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair

   Please God all I want to crave is lettuce, amen.