Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a moral compass, but it always seems to point south.

   I’m Southern, but not monogram my vibrator, Southern.

   It's R Kelly weather out there today!!! By that I mean it's in the teens..

   Why the hell is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time!

   Chloroform is my favorite essential oil.

   I still remember the time when I was working at a zoo and my boss fired me simply because I left the lion's gate unlocked, I mean who can steal a lion.

   I think I may have been abducted by aliens last night. At about 2AM I blinked and the next thing I knew it was 3AM .. a whole hour I can't account for....

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling

   People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

   I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. Well, it’s true. After going to the gym this morning, I’ve decided I’m never going again.

   Coming out can be hard as people don't understand our way of life and can be very close minded, but I feel in this day and age I can no longer be afraid to say I love Disco!

   Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it..

   Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking

   If I got attacked by a bunch of homeless people I think I would really be bummed.

   My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he's sleeping in the RV.

   My son answered a test question "What causes the earth to rotate?" with "Fat bottomed girls." He failed the test but won my RESPECT.

   Im sorry ladies, but life is not a fairy tale, and If you lose your shoe after midnight it means, well, you’re drunk.

   Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting "here"

   keep up the good jokes. whoever you are. don't listen to that man behind the curtain