Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when you go to hit the "Like" button and it turns to a heart and you're like "Whoa whoa whoa, I don't like it that much."

   ¡¡¡¡ǝʞɐʇsıɯ ʎq pɹɐoqʎǝʞ uɐılɐɹʇsnɐ ɐ ʇɥƃnoq ı dlǝɥ

   wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair

   Please God all I want to crave is lettuce, amen.

   On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a weekend for me.

   I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.

   So, have all you rocket scientists who were still shooting off fireworks at 4am get it out of your system till the 4th of July?

   "I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"

   I just found out they sell universal remotes at Wal-mart. Wow! For just $9.95 I can control the whole universe!

   Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder? Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   "I don't feel good." -James Brown's last words

   One man's trash is another man's profile picture.

   A guy just busted down my door and claimed to be a Bounty Hunter. I said, "You won't take me alive!" He looked at me as if I had two heads, then stole my paper towels.

   Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”

   The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $300.

   *At Super Bowl Party Sunday* Hey honey, they've got a WHOLE bunch of jumbo shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

   If coronavirus isn't about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

   Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor

   Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.