Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never got the expression "complete idiot". Ermm....Is there an Incomplete version?

   Dear haters: "Thank you for reminding me that I'm everything that you can never be"

   My closest relationship is with my phone.

   sometimes I wanna smack the hell outta a cyclist with my mirror..

   It seems like in movies, when they want a female to look older, they just cut her hair.

   I just saw an advertisement for a singles site that read, “Meet sincere singles over 40”. Thank you, but no thank you, as I'm in search of a deceitful woman...again.....

   I should have a breathalyser attached to my Facebook account to stop me posting under the influence

   thinks that the phrase "home sweet home" was coined by the witch from Hansel and Gratel.

   Just think, the one for you is walking the earth right now! Probably in a zoo somewhere

   This situation calls for a barrel roll.

   If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else ... And Seek Counseling.

   I bet the people that are posting all the funny new Super Bowl Ads days before the game are the same people that post info about a new movie they just saw. Thus spoiling it for the rest of us.

   thinks that proofreading is my worst enema.

   thinks that "Ignorance is bliss" is my personal motto because it hasn't steered me wrong and even if it has, how would I know?

   A snake bit me today and my neighbour's wife was kind enough to suck the venom out. Or at least that's what I told my wife when she walked in on us.

   People who constantly think their spouse is always cheating on them..Should just stay single and miserable forever.

   Starting a dating site for people who just want someone to take a walk with after a big meal.

   All old ladies will answer to the name "Bev." Try it out if you don't believe me.

   Dinner guests coming over later and I forgot to take something out. Does anyone know how to turn beef jerky back into steaks?

   With great power comes a great electricity bill.