Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Perfect people are terrible; it's difficult to take advantage of them.

   A man was arrested having weed growing in his backyard today. He claims the evidence was planted.

   Need to get my butt in gear but I think my clutch is broken.

   My last words on death row will be "Can we just get this over with? There are people I have to come back and haunt."

   Nice try Nicholas Cage, but I'll still watch movies.

   I wish I had a dollar for every time I've wished I had a dollar.

   haven't been this hungover since yesterday

   Prayers need for our neighbors, their son was repossessed by the In vitro fertilization clinic

   No thanks I am not drinking alcohol for now. I am saving myself for Christmas eve.

   I hope the MVP has his shots up to date. Disneyland is dangerous nowadays!

   My wife's superpower is : jumping to the worst conclusion possible and worrying about that thing for hours

   I asked my masseur for a happy ending. She made me a ballon animal and painted my face like Spiderman.

   People have 2 modes on facebook: pity prowling or overly offended by nothing

   Its almost summer and you know what that means!!!!! Time to find a phone cord long enough to reach my front porch.

   Getting old means half the fun for twice the hangover.

   "I've never felt so alone...." ~ Me, sitting down to poop and realizing I forgot my phone.

   [Two sharks on work lunch breaks] "Ugh, whale and jellyfish... again?!?!" "I'm having seaweed because..." "WE KNOW KARL, YOUR VEGAN"

   What I lack in charm, I make up for in confused awkwardness

   My stages of drunk: 1. No way 2. Yes way 3. Three way

   Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by disagreeing with the wife.