Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All your depressing status es are cheering me up. Thanks, ...Keep it up.

   1. Does she change BFFs often? 2. Does each friendship end acrimoniously? 3. Is it never her fault? If yes to all, CONGRATS! She's a bitc h.

   Here, let me fix that grin on your face with this shovel.

   NYC cancelled the marathon. Well if they are already here instead of running why not see who can clean up the fastest

   Pretty trippy the movie "Recount" is on HBO on demand...

   I fell in love today. So what have you guys done to ruin your day?

   I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth

   if i'm not funny, amusing, or entertaining in any way there is no refund

   Perfect people are terrible; it's difficult to take advantage of them.

   A man was arrested having weed growing in his backyard today. He claims the evidence was planted.

   Need to get my butt in gear but I think my clutch is broken.

   My last words on death row will be "Can we just get this over with? There are people I have to come back and haunt."

   Nice try Nicholas Cage, but I'll still watch movies.

   I wish I had a dollar for every time I've wished I had a dollar.

   haven't been this hungover since yesterday

   Prayers need for our neighbors, their son was repossessed by the In vitro fertilization clinic

   No thanks I am not drinking alcohol for now. I am saving myself for Christmas eve.

   I hope the MVP has his shots up to date. Disneyland is dangerous nowadays!

   My wife's superpower is : jumping to the worst conclusion possible and worrying about that thing for hours

   I asked my masseur for a happy ending. She made me a ballon animal and painted my face like Spiderman.