Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I fell in love today. So what have you guys done to ruin your day?

   I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth

   if i'm not funny, amusing, or entertaining in any way there is no refund

   Perfect people are terrible; it's difficult to take advantage of them.

   A man was arrested having weed growing in his backyard today. He claims the evidence was planted.

   Need to get my butt in gear but I think my clutch is broken.

   My last words on death row will be "Can we just get this over with? There are people I have to come back and haunt."

   Nice try Nicholas Cage, but I'll still watch movies.

   I wish I had a dollar for every time I've wished I had a dollar.

   haven't been this hungover since yesterday

   Prayers need for our neighbors, their son was repossessed by the In vitro fertilization clinic

   No thanks I am not drinking alcohol for now. I am saving myself for Christmas eve.

   I hope the MVP has his shots up to date. Disneyland is dangerous nowadays!

   My wife's superpower is : jumping to the worst conclusion possible and worrying about that thing for hours

   I asked my masseur for a happy ending. She made me a ballon animal and painted my face like Spiderman.

   People have 2 modes on facebook: pity prowling or overly offended by nothing

   Its almost summer and you know what that means!!!!! Time to find a phone cord long enough to reach my front porch.

   Getting old means half the fun for twice the hangover.

   "I've never felt so alone...." ~ Me, sitting down to poop and realizing I forgot my phone.

   [Two sharks on work lunch breaks] "Ugh, whale and jellyfish... again?!?!" "I'm having seaweed because..." "WE KNOW KARL, YOUR VEGAN"