Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You should send every tweet like its your last...and the rest of us will pray that it is.

   They key to not crying when cutting an onion is severing your emotional bond with it beforehand.

   if any body needs me I will be over here waiting for football season

   For me being adventurous is dating a girl who doesn't shave her legs!

   Whenever any of my ex's leave me, I find out a short time later they end up getting married. Which actually makes me feel better. At least now she's miserable too.

   If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success?

   "If you take a look at all the previous US Presidents, what could I do worse" - Frank Zappa

   Listening intently... Listening intently... Listening intently... "... and then my boyfriend..." Dead to me.

   I have abad feeling we're going to pay for Taylor Swift's poor Grammy results...

   The best part of Valentine"s day is no more Vermont teddy bear BIG HUNKA LOVE BEAR commercials.

   Maybe homeless people are just hardcore campers.

   i keep getting all these popups...if this lasts 4 hours, I'm gonna have to visit WebMD

   I would NOT have done well in the military. I’d always be saying things like “SIR LET’S JUST AGREE TO DISAGREE SIR!!!”

   Amazing how you can be first and everything and then last and nothing.....all with a blink of an eye..I hate video games!!

   it just me or are Dating sites costing more than a date now? I just want to go back to the day of throwing a rock and dragging her off her feet.

   I am the Donald Trump of poor people.

   Had to sit down half-way through peeling a hard-boiled egg.

   Best way to realize if you have a stupid idea is to consider who agrees with it and who doesn't.

   So is everyone Irish yet?

   I’m not saying she’s a slut, but she’s been banged more times than a snooze button on Monday morning.