Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your boyfriend isn't ignoring you as much as you'd like him to, suggest he join a few more fantasy football leagues.

   If I look at your mouth while your talking to me then CLEARLY I want you to just stfu!

   Now that I know where all the purses are, I'm busting out my ski mask and crow bar. Time to make mo money.

   If you all know where you keep it, why are we always looking for the damn thing..

   so lindsay was caught jumpin a gate tryna escape rehab for a soda.. I'm guessin it was coke.. .

   I came up with a stupid status today, but I forgot what it was.

   Couldnt get into the Maury show so I went to our local trailor park.

   thinks the digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly

   a lady cop pulls over a drunk, and says sir, anything you say may be held against you. the drunk man yells "titties"

   We have a saying in our house. Well, to be accurate my wife has a saying. I have a listening.

   I do NOT have an attitude problem... Yes, I may have the attitude, but YOU'RE the one that seems to have a problem with it...

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence... now go away...

   i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. God I miss college. a moment ago clear

   The new version of Pac-Man was so awesome, it came with a search engine built into it... Can we have it back...?

   I think its high time we let our freak flags fly..... :)~

   Its like the whole world is out on the roads today driving like a pack of grandmas on their way to Bob Evan's after church on a Sunday. Sheesh!!!

   often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.

   When you have a good imagination, you can make up all the facts you want.

   printing off a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills....

   Guess Lesnar should have feared more then just the Diarrhea from Mexico