Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that I know where all the purses are, I'm busting out my ski mask and crow bar. Time to make mo money.

   If you all know where you keep it, why are we always looking for the damn thing..

   so lindsay was caught jumpin a gate tryna escape rehab for a soda.. I'm guessin it was coke.. .

   I came up with a stupid status today, but I forgot what it was.

   Thursday...the point when you can start getting a bit giddy about the weekend!

   To think, it takes time. To think what to think takes even more time. To think what you just read takes less time.

   printing off a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills....

   Guess Lesnar should have feared more then just the Diarrhea from Mexico

   If a toyota prius crashes into a tree, does it make a sound?

   The Internet: Where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head

   Not to name names, but I know some of you update your status from your phone so as not to appear a complete shut-in who hasn't left the house. -Sent from my iPhone

   thought he wanted a career...years of experience have taught him that what he really wanted was just the paychecks.

   I'm thinking about buying an invisible box that they trap mimes in.

   True friend, if your internet ever goes out, just give me a call, tell me what web pages you wanted to visit, and I'll describe them to you.

   Misery may love company, but the miserable rarely have company.

   Facebook keeps telling me your friends are waiting, go use friend finder to find your friends. stfu seriously go find your own friends facebook and leave me the hell alone.

   We have a saying in our house. Well, to be accurate my wife has a saying. I have a listening.

   I do NOT have an attitude problem... Yes, I may have the attitude, but YOU'RE the one that seems to have a problem with it...

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence... now go away...

   i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. God I miss college. a moment ago clear