Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.

   When you have a good imagination, you can make up all the facts you want.

   So today I have to write my review for work. What's the best way to put, “I golfed over 200 rounds this last summer while you paid me to be at my office?”

   Boy.... That sure is a lot of attitude for someone wearing panda ear rings.

   printing off a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills....

   Guess Lesnar should have feared more then just the Diarrhea from Mexico

   If a toyota prius crashes into a tree, does it make a sound?

   The Internet: Where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head

   Not to name names, but I know some of you update your status from your phone so as not to appear a complete shut-in who hasn't left the house. -Sent from my iPhone

   thought he wanted a career...years of experience have taught him that what he really wanted was just the paychecks.

   I'm thinking about buying an invisible box that they trap mimes in.

   True friend, if your internet ever goes out, just give me a call, tell me what web pages you wanted to visit, and I'll describe them to you.

   Misery may love company, but the miserable rarely have company.

   Facebook keeps telling me your friends are waiting, go use friend finder to find your friends. stfu seriously go find your own friends facebook and leave me the hell alone.

   If you don't have the courage to walk alone others will not have the courage to walk with you.

   Why do repairmen never have the part they need to fix something and say they'll come back in a few days when they get it? It's like a cop showing up to arrest someone and saying "Oh sorry. Looks like I'll need handcuffs. I'll be back in few days with them

   I feel pretty useless when I see that people living off a spoonful of rice a day can somehow muster the energy to build an irrigation system for their village when I can't even answer a question before I eat breakfast.

   If your boyfriend isn't ignoring you as much as you'd like him to, suggest he join a few more fantasy football leagues.

   If I look at your mouth while your talking to me then CLEARLY I want you to just stfu!

   Now that I know where all the purses are, I'm busting out my ski mask and crow bar. Time to make mo money.