Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been working out so much I'm losing my voice from telling people about it.

   We all spend our lives tiptoeing around trying not to say the wrong thing or offend anyone. So, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna do that h ere.

   Question, is the word buttcheeks all one word or should I spread them apart?

   . Since when do you need a ID to buy a box of cereal ?

   If she asks you what you want for Father's Day. Tell her to take you off child support.

   [shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening

   If the leader of the free world has time to tweet, then you have time to return my texts.

   If killing them with kindness doesn't work, just kill them.

   Ego and Super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, Guys, I'm gonna need to see some ID."

   I always give fat people wrong directions so they can get much needed exercise.

   Well ... Maybe if I renamed my package "Facebook" she might actually get on it

   I'm really not a "know it all"... For instance, up until recently, I thought cunnilingus was an Irish Airline.

   Donald Trump's hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting

   1. Go to Starbucks. 2. Order coffee. 3 Tell them your name is Waldo. 4 Leave.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, What I ate on Fat Tuesday, Gave me Diabetes Type 2.

   Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

   Keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

   Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

   CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

   If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me...