Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

   CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

   If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me...

   Amber Alert, but for the TV remote

   HEALTH TIP: If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, Google it before taking it.

   Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

   Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

   has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

   After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...!

   Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

   The rest of the world is watching America like America watched Tiger King.

   If the leader of the free world has time to tweet, then you have time to return my texts.

   If killing them with kindness doesn't work, just kill them.

   Ego and Super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, Guys, I'm gonna need to see some ID."

   I always give fat people wrong directions so they can get much needed exercise.

   Question, is the word buttcheeks all one word or should I spread them apart?

   . Since when do you need a ID to buy a box of cereal ?

   Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

   Keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

   Well ... Maybe if I renamed my package "Facebook" she might actually get on it