Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
If the leader of the free world has time to tweet, then you have time to return my texts. 
If killing them with kindness doesn't work, just kill them.
Ego and Super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, Guys, I'm gonna need to see some ID."
I always give fat people wrong directions so they can get much needed exercise.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me...
Amber Alert, but for the TV remote
HEALTH TIP: If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, Google it before taking it.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...!
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
The rest of the world is watching America like America watched Tiger King.
If she asks you what you want for Father's Day. Tell her to take you off child support.
[shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening
I'm not worried about Werewolves, Vampires, Zombies or Haunted Hotels .... I'm worried about what real Human Beings will do to other Human Beings.
It would be nice if Mexicans took some initiative and MadeMexicoGreatAgain
Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance. 