Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No LinkedIn, I do not want to congratulate Gilbert on his new job.

   I went for an interview at IKEA today and when I walked into the bossesoffice he said, “Please have a seat.” It took me nearly 6 hours, but I finally managed to put the seat together and sit down for the interview.

   Doritos has a new flavor named Street Taco. Which used to be my rap name.

   A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin' too.

   The best thing about falling over when you're home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.

   I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor...

   The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   If stupidity was fatal, it would be a wonderful world and a lot less crowded.

   My dream girl would lovingly push me in a shopping cart through the liquor aisle.

   This outbreak of storms is like p or n to the meteorologist's!!!

   I am trying to give Kim & Kanye their privacy. I just wish they would accept it.

   Your hair smells like it wants pulling.

   My husband said, "Good Morning" and thats how the fight started.

   Google's Apple glass knockoff will attachea small screen on a frame above your eyes, they're gonna call it the iBrowse.

   Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf ...and the ever popular "Garden hose refference"

   Sex so good...she even made the neighbor a sandwich.

   Cute Things To Call Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend On Valentines Day: 1. Sugar. 2. Honey. 3. Flour. 4. Egg. 5. 1/2lb Butter. 6. Stir. 7. Pour Into Pan. 8. Preheat To 350 Degrees.

   By the time this is over Sanders won't know wheather to wind his watch or get a job.

   Behind every successful woman there is a man staring at her butt.