Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life would be more bearable if our problems only lasted as long as Kim Kardashian's marriage.

   If Justing Bieber was a real man, he wouldn't have his own line of womens perfume...

   I wish I knew Spanish so I could understand the voices in my head.

   dear santa, I found the shoes I want, text me for my size

   "No comment" - said no woman, ever

   Relationship status: Throwing stones at couples in the park.

   Poodles are just dogs that listened to too much Kenny G.

   No LinkedIn, I do not want to congratulate Gilbert on his new job.

   I went for an interview at IKEA today and when I walked into the bossesoffice he said, “Please have a seat.” It took me nearly 6 hours, but I finally managed to put the seat together and sit down for the interview.

   Doritos has a new flavor named Street Taco. Which used to be my rap name.

   A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin' too.

   The best thing about falling over when you're home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.

   I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor...

   The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   If stupidity was fatal, it would be a wonderful world and a lot less crowded.

   My dream girl would lovingly push me in a shopping cart through the liquor aisle.

   This outbreak of storms is like p or n to the meteorologist's!!!

   I am trying to give Kim & Kanye their privacy. I just wish they would accept it.

   Your hair smells like it wants pulling.