Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

   Where's the Kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth shattering kaboom

   principles. If you don't like them I have others.

   never wants to go to bed, yet I never want to wake up in the morning. Why can't my "late night" self make some kind of compromise with my "early morning have-to-go-to work" self?

   The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.

   Cremation..........think outside the box

   How is taking a chainsaw to a Nissan a quality test? Perhaps the commercial is trying demonstrate rescue tools for emergency personnel to use after an accident.

   I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy owed me a lot of money!'

   Stay strong; the best things in life are worth fighting for.

   Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

   Dear Chile --- When you're done rescuing everybody, can we send you Ryan Seacrest, Britney, Lindsay, Paris and Snooki?

   pretending he is driving on a dirt road in Hazzard county..Yee-Hawww!

   I like to think of myself as "Emotionally Exciting" as opposed to bipolar.

   It's time for attention to pay me instead.

   's keys are really good at hide and go seek,they are definitely winning.

   3.14159 I love you when you're covered in ice cream.

   The defendant was acquitted of stealing twenty-three bottles of beer. Prosecutors couldn't make a case of it.

   My Doctor said I have a deficiency of vitamin C in my body. I guess Stoli Orange it's not a good source of vitamin C.

   Did you know that if you plug your nose and close your mouth, you can't hum? Try it.

   thinking about trick or treating at the local brothel this Sunday. That way I can have both and don't have to choose.