Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I notice you've lost weight and ask what your secret is, and you say, "Diet & exercise!" I will punch you in your skinny face.

   Justin Bieber has planned a trip to space. He's going to boldly go where everyone wants him to stay.

   The tattoos girls lower back should all read; "This Side Up."

   I’m drinking because you’re talking.

   No one needs a vacation from me more than me.

   Wine is a fruit, right?!

   Don’t let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.

   I've decided not to get married until somebody asks

   HELPFUL HINT: Table saws work on other stuff too, not just tables,, for example,,, I have two couches now.

   I have heard of videos going viral, but now it hurts when I pee..

   If you don't want me to bring party hats and confetti, don't include the word 'party' in "Search Party."

   BRIAN ESSBE 8 hours ago If Lance Armstrong and Oscar Pistorius have taught us anything, it's don't trust athletes with missing body parts

   Whoever made murder illegal seriously did everyone I know a huge favor.

   Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.

   Sometimes I think I'm pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sunlight and poop out oxygen.

   When pronouncing my name, the "Hey A sshole" is silent.

   They just caught your girlfriend on river monsters

   How high can Mexicans climb?,,,,,,,,,#TrumpsGoogleHistory

   We will rock you until another one bites the dust and we are the champions.

   Difference between cinco de mayo and St Patrick day is that no one wants to be a Mexican on cinco de mayo