Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've decided not to get married until somebody asks

   HELPFUL HINT: Table saws work on other stuff too, not just tables,, for example,,, I have two couches now.

   I have heard of videos going viral, but now it hurts when I pee..

   If you don't want me to bring party hats and confetti, don't include the word 'party' in "Search Party."

   BRIAN ESSBE 8 hours ago If Lance Armstrong and Oscar Pistorius have taught us anything, it's don't trust athletes with missing body parts

   Whoever made murder illegal seriously did everyone I know a huge favor.

   Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.

   Sometimes I think I'm pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sunlight and poop out oxygen.

   When pronouncing my name, the "Hey A sshole" is silent.

   They just caught your girlfriend on river monsters

   it just me or has this World Cup been on for like 149 years?

   Apparently referring to a Menage at Trois as a 2 for 1 snack pack will get your Christian Mingle profile deleted

   I’m sorry our dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   it just me, or does Jerry Nadler look like he should be baking cookies in a tree.

   Dr. Phil was on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called “not getting your arse* beat”!

   Inauguration Day 2017 Gas $2.29 Dow 19,819 NASDAQ 5560.7 Unemployment 4.7% Posting this so it will come up in my memories in 2020.

   Atlanta won the popular vote

   If your boyfriend wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

   We will rock you until another one bites the dust and we are the champions.

   Difference between cinco de mayo and St Patrick day is that no one wants to be a Mexican on cinco de mayo