Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wine is a fruit, right?!

   Don’t let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.

   I've decided not to get married until somebody asks

   HELPFUL HINT: Table saws work on other stuff too, not just tables,, for example,,, I have two couches now.

   I have heard of videos going viral, but now it hurts when I pee..

   If you don't want me to bring party hats and confetti, don't include the word 'party' in "Search Party."

   BRIAN ESSBE 8 hours ago If Lance Armstrong and Oscar Pistorius have taught us anything, it's don't trust athletes with missing body parts

   Whoever made murder illegal seriously did everyone I know a huge favor.

   Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.

   Sometimes I think I'm pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sunlight and poop out oxygen.

   When pronouncing my name, the "Hey A sshole" is silent.

   They just caught your girlfriend on river monsters

   it just me or has this World Cup been on for like 149 years?

   my nephew turns 3 this august but since money tight we just not gone tell him

   I started taking Metamucil today in case you’re looking for a regular hero.

   Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

   Remember: Wearing a mask when driving a car by yourself is only helpful if you stole the car.

   I wonder if Bill Cosby's hoping to be on Trump's final pardon list today

   If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

   Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.