Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gas stations should have happy hour

   "Let me put you in a better mood" - vodka

   Vodka is just awesome water.

   After sex, I like to lay with you, cuddling, and whisper things in your ear like… “why are you still here??”

   I am taking a second job as a Bounty hunter.. Well, I'm actually just looking for some paper towels in walmart.. Same difference..

   The difference between "single" and "alone" is cats.

   Just made a Broman! It's exactly like a snowman except it's a black guy.

   Lost another FB friend to employment.

   getting drunk on Saturday is like going to work on Monday. Its just something you have too do.

   for my money, the greatest medical miracle of the past 40 years is fake titties!!

   I think I will get a piece of canvas and draw a face with my left hand and my eyes closed, splash it with purple, red and black paint, call it "Disconnected" or some such crap... Sell it for 1.8 million and retire.... That's my plan.

   It’s like Lil Wayne gets a tattoo for every whack song he releases.

   Hey I found your nose. It was in my business again.

   Looked up "Google" in an encyclopedia and all it said was,,, "Ah, crap."

   Why does eating make you fat? People should’t be punished for eating. Why don’t people who wear sunglasses indoors get fat instead.

   I made a post on my facebook saying that I really need prayers right now... then later in the day I replied and explained it was because I bought some scratch offs

   If things were to turn around, I seriously doubt that one cat would take in 26 old ladies.

   I surely believe in Hate at first sight for no reason !!

   Unemployment is up to 8.2%. Axelrod just got fired...

   To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a damn sandwich!