Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman is never more persuasive than when she's holding a shotgun or a bacon sandwich.

   I just told a girl I loved her. Well, I didn't actually say it. And it wasn't actually a girl. Ok, fine, I was eating a Big Mac and moaned.

   If you have to ask someone “Didn't you get my text?” that person hates you.

   My Girlfriend is a terrible cook..... In our house we pray after we eat.

   Some men look for easy women. Some women look for easy money. I'd just like to find someone who won't stab me in my sleep.

   So you think you can fly a plane would be a fun show to watch...

   Marriage: because if you love them why not get the law involved

   Gas stations should have happy hour

   "Let me put you in a better mood" - vodka

   Vodka is just awesome water.

   After sex, I like to lay with you, cuddling, and whisper things in your ear like… “why are you still here??”

   I am taking a second job as a Bounty hunter.. Well, I'm actually just looking for some paper towels in walmart.. Same difference..

   The difference between "single" and "alone" is cats.

   Just made a Broman! It's exactly like a snowman except it's a black guy.

   Lost another FB friend to employment.

   getting drunk on Saturday is like going to work on Monday. Its just something you have too do.

   for my money, the greatest medical miracle of the past 40 years is fake titties!!

   I think I will get a piece of canvas and draw a face with my left hand and my eyes closed, splash it with purple, red and black paint, call it "Disconnected" or some such crap... Sell it for 1.8 million and retire.... That's my plan.

   It’s like Lil Wayne gets a tattoo for every whack song he releases.

   Hey I found your nose. It was in my business again.