Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again 
... and then the Devil said,,, "Shorten all the charging wires to no more than a 3 foot length."
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat...now THAT'S bad for you.
I just hid my teenage son's Christmas gifts behind the vacuum, in the dishwasher and next to the trash can that needs to be taken out.....guaranteed he will never find them!
My bartender can beat up your psychiatrist, now pop a pill while I have a drink!
Joe Namath's coat saw it's shadow... 6 more weeks of winter.
Time magazine has named “Ebola Fighters” the 2014 Person of the Year. The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. Then Time said, "Oh no, we'll just mail them to you."
Does anyone on Facebook ever actually get laid? Asking for me.
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online...
Mine, I was cramping the morning, blew a gasket on the toilet, sure enough, Kanye was in the bowl.
1st sneeze: Bless you. 2nd sneeze: Bless you 3rd sneeze: Get out of my life until you are finished with whatever this is
"You the bomb!" "No you the bomb!" -a complement in America; an argument in the Middle East.
Sometimes I can't tell if I'm being funny or if I'm just unbelievably depressed
What do I do? My google machine just rang.
I just walked into a spider web and now I know all of Katy Perry's dance moves.
Today is the day that the Blues was made for. Thank you B.B. (Blues Boy) King for everything.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
I would like to see real peace and a state of Israel living peacefully alongside a state of Palestine.
I'm in a weird place mentally. And physically. And geographically 