Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Joe Namath's coat saw it's shadow... 6 more weeks of winter.

   Time magazine has named “Ebola Fighters” the 2014 Person of the Year. The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. Then Time said, "Oh no, we'll just mail them to you."

   Does anyone on Facebook ever actually get laid? Asking for me.

   After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.

   Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online...

   Mine, I was cramping the morning, blew a gasket on the toilet, sure enough, Kanye was in the bowl.

   1st sneeze: Bless you. 2nd sneeze: Bless you 3rd sneeze: Get out of my life until you are finished with whatever this is

   "You the bomb!" "No you the bomb!" -a complement in America; an argument in the Middle East.

   Sometimes I can't tell if I'm being funny or if I'm just unbelievably depressed

   What do I do? My google machine just rang.

   I just walked into a spider web and now I know all of Katy Perry's dance moves.

   Today is the day that the Blues was made for. Thank you B.B. (Blues Boy) King for everything.

   I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps

   I would like to see real peace and a state of Israel living peacefully alongside a state of Palestine.

   I'm in a weird place mentally. And physically. And geographically

   I bet Hell has the same toilet paper as airports.

   Whoever named pterodactyls is pterrible at naming things

   All the celebrities have released their own fragrance so I decided to release mine too...now the wife is disgusted with me again.

   Oh yeah!! Well, if smoking weed destroys your short-term memory, then what does smoking weed do?

   It really does show how far we've come when you no longer need to wear a scarf to fly a plane.