Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone on Facebook ever actually get laid? Asking for me.

   After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.

   Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online...

   Mine, I was cramping the morning, blew a gasket on the toilet, sure enough, Kanye was in the bowl.

   1st sneeze: Bless you. 2nd sneeze: Bless you 3rd sneeze: Get out of my life until you are finished with whatever this is

   "You the bomb!" "No you the bomb!" -a complement in America; an argument in the Middle East.

   Sometimes I can't tell if I'm being funny or if I'm just unbelievably depressed

   What do I do? My google machine just rang.

   I just walked into a spider web and now I know all of Katy Perry's dance moves.

   Today is the day that the Blues was made for. Thank you B.B. (Blues Boy) King for everything.

   I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps

   I would like to see real peace and a state of Israel living peacefully alongside a state of Palestine.

   I'm in a weird place mentally. And physically. And geographically

   I bet Hell has the same toilet paper as airports.

   Whoever named pterodactyls is pterrible at naming things

   All the celebrities have released their own fragrance so I decided to release mine too...now the wife is disgusted with me again.

   Oh yeah!! Well, if smoking weed destroys your short-term memory, then what does smoking weed do?

   It really does show how far we've come when you no longer need to wear a scarf to fly a plane.

   I'll believe the President cares about net neutrality when he tells us if we like our internet provider, we can keep it.

   Yesterday someone gave me a piece of "humble pie''.....Mine tastes better.