Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the world ends tomarrow like they say I'm just glad I maxed out my credit cards.

   If all the world's a stage, then where's the hook to yank off the idiots?

   About 50% of the time “good luck” means “effff you.”

   If you've got nothing nice to say let's sit far away from each other and yell obscenities across the room just to p!ss people off.

   The sex is better when they don't belong to you.

   Reading someone's status and thinking ‘OH CRY ME A RIVER'

   On September 31st, 2011 Facebook will start charging you for your account. To avoid this, you MUST get NAKED, use a PERMANENT marker pen and write on your forehead the word S-U-C-K-E-R, and then stand on your dining room table and do the Macarena, all the

   "Roses are grey, violets are grey, cars are grey, red is grey, all this sh*t is just grey"-guy failing a color blind test.

   Everybody got that one friend that can't spell .. you gotta decode all their text messages.

   Make your anger so expensive that no one can afford it and make your happiness so cheap that people can almost get it free.

   Man, I could go for some mechanically separated chicken right about now.

   R.I.P Nobel Laureate Prof. Wangari Maathai....

   How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

   wholeheartedly believes I am someone's "evil twin", and I'm totally cool with that. What bothers me is that there is a wholesome, "goody-goody" douchebag doppelganger, somewhere in the world that has the ability to pose as me!

   I have the penmanship of a 7-year old arthritic serial killer who's been authorized to write prescriptions.

   Hurricane Irene is like Paris Hilton ...in the news all the time despite not doing much and has gone down on the entire east coast

   That rather uneasy moment when the person you hate is still breathing.

   He's rather listen to an entire series of audio books read by Gilbert Gottfried than to listen to your babbling BS any longer.

   My give a damn maybe busted, but my can of whoop ass is ready to pop.

   Curse you jalepeno poppers, CURSE YOU! Why do you have to taste so good and hurt me so bad?