Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Roses are grey, violets are grey, cars are grey, red is grey, all this sh*t is just grey"-guy failing a color blind test.

   Everybody got that one friend that can't spell .. you gotta decode all their text messages.

   Make your anger so expensive that no one can afford it and make your happiness so cheap that people can almost get it free.

   Man, I could go for some mechanically separated chicken right about now.

   R.I.P Nobel Laureate Prof. Wangari Maathai....

   How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

   wholeheartedly believes I am someone's "evil twin", and I'm totally cool with that. What bothers me is that there is a wholesome, "goody-goody" douchebag doppelganger, somewhere in the world that has the ability to pose as me!

   I have the penmanship of a 7-year old arthritic serial killer who's been authorized to write prescriptions.

   Hurricane Irene is like Paris Hilton ...in the news all the time despite not doing much and has gone down on the entire east coast

   That rather uneasy moment when the person you hate is still breathing.

   He's rather listen to an entire series of audio books read by Gilbert Gottfried than to listen to your babbling BS any longer.

   My give a damn maybe busted, but my can of whoop ass is ready to pop.

   Curse you jalepeno poppers, CURSE YOU! Why do you have to taste so good and hurt me so bad?

   I'm sitting here enjoying a delicious protein muffin. Some may say because of the chocolate frosting and sprinkles that it's a cupcake but that's just not true.

   thinks that if I were to become a cannibal, I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony

   Today is "Save Your Hearing Day" soooo......I'm not listening to a darn thing anyone has to say today.

   was glad to see it was "peter tweeter" Anthony Weiner's last day in office but I was a bit dismayed when I heard that Gary Busey was slotted as his interim replacement.

   Tough times never last but tough people do

   there is no elevator to success! You have to take the stairs, one step at a time.

   I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.