Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to figure out who's a better actor, Paul Walker or this ham and cheese sandwich I just made.

   Life holds many challenges an can be quite frustrating. Especially for you because you're a dumba$$.

   What if we found out that there's no such thing as Federal Bikini Inspectors and those guys in the t-shirts are con-men?

   I lost respect for my wife when she accused me of lying that time I caught syphilis from a pay phone.

   Blood really is thicker than water...this bathtub has been draining for over an hour now...

   must of had the laziest Easter Bunny come over to the house. He didn't bother to color or cook any of the eggs...plus he hid them all in my fridge.

   I survived the Mayan Apocalypse and all I got was this lousy hangover.

   Give me four hours with you and you'll know why god made you a woman.

   Reading the bible doesn't mean diddly squat if you are gonna go ahead and misinterpret it.

   When I say I'm done with a facebook chat, that doesn't mean you can keep typing for another 20 minutes. It means I'M DONE CHATTING!

   Thousands of stoners give up smoking weed to avoid having any association with Justin Bieber. Cleverest. Government. Propaganda. Ever.

   Let’s get married. Well not married, but let’s share our stuff. Well not share, but give me half of your stuff.

   When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case

   If you are ALWAYS posting status updates about your “HATERS,” chances are I'm one of them.

   If a woman in a bikini is close by, a guy will make the simplest task look like a major construction project.

   Guys, flowers die, chocolates make'em fat, shoes wear out & stuffed animals are boring. Don't be stupid, give her rocks. They last forever.

   I stopped going to church when they said I had to attend the whole thing, not just the wine tasting.

   Today, I had the greatest Sunday dinner ever. I can't begin to define the level of greatness that this meal possessed. It was so great, I can't actually tell you you how truly great it was. I had Frosted Flakes.

   behind every successful man is a woman that didn't marry me.

   Alabama has to use prisoners to pick crops since they scared the immigrants away. This explains the tear tattooed on my tomato.