Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't suffer from stress. he's a carrier...

   a 5 yr old who must be alot smarter than me, because I din't know everything until I was a teenager

   Playboy in 3-D! Take that, 18 billion hours of free, readily available Internet porn.

   Woman's Favorite Position is CEO.

   don't you just hate it when you think you've bought a mail order bride on a Chinese language website, then realize you've adopted a panda?

   If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

   U can close ur eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close ur heart to the things you don't want to feel

   Coffee can make you jumpy and irritable. There are also negative effects.

   You know it's a bad day when a three legged camel points to your girlfriend's crotch and asks for his foot back !!!

   When I'm drunk you're hot, when I'm not, you're not.

   The eternal struggle: Tops of feet are sunburnt. Lighter is dead. Corner store is two blocks away. They have a sign: no shirt no shoes no service. I don't own flip flops. This is going to suck balls.

   I loved once.. She was my first kiss, it was on the swingset in the park. Maybe someday she'll find me and we'll hook up again. Who Knows, Until then I'll keep chasing brunettes with big boobies."

   it's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually, it's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave."

   Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

   Its funny how Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters

   if everyone looked like their celebrity doppelganger and really matched their urbandictionary meaning, I could eat butterflies and poop rainbows.

   Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything

   watching the Time Traveler's Wife with my Wife. We Both Cried at the End. But We Both Cried for Different Reasons!"

   Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

   In video games I always get killed by the black zombies, and I can't shoot 'em because of the r acism thing.