Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my woman like I like my eggs....overeasy.

   May your dirty socks crawl up upon your face as you sleep

   doesn't suffer from stress. he's a carrier...

   a 5 yr old who must be alot smarter than me, because I din't know everything until I was a teenager

   Playboy in 3-D! Take that, 18 billion hours of free, readily available Internet porn.

   Woman's Favorite Position is CEO.

   don't you just hate it when you think you've bought a mail order bride on a Chinese language website, then realize you've adopted a panda?

   If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

   U can close ur eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close ur heart to the things you don't want to feel

   Coffee can make you jumpy and irritable. There are also negative effects.

   You know it's a bad day when a three legged camel points to your girlfriend's crotch and asks for his foot back !!!

   I hate all these derelicts that come into my office asking for directions to Social Security they are going there to make sure they get money from the government, do you think it is wrong that I gave them the directions to the Department of Labor Job Enf

   if the shoe fits, buy one in every color.

   I don't understand why they call them men's dress shoes because they don't go with any of my dresses.

   has anyone seen ___________? He heard "Its Raining Men" on the radio and he ran outside with a huge grin on his face.

   Capsule used to rescue Chilean miners is now a prototype for all new coach seats on all US domestic flights....

   When I'm drunk you're hot, when I'm not, you're not.

   The eternal struggle: Tops of feet are sunburnt. Lighter is dead. Corner store is two blocks away. They have a sign: no shirt no shoes no service. I don't own flip flops. This is going to suck balls.

   I loved once.. She was my first kiss, it was on the swingset in the park. Maybe someday she'll find me and we'll hook up again. Who Knows, Until then I'll keep chasing brunettes with big boobies."

   it's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually, it's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave."