Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I wish saying "Uncle" to Life would work.

   Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

   Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my womans hair. It's a nice way to let her know my love,, and also that we're out of napkin

   Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."

   By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.

   I went cow-tipping at Old Country Buffet.

   Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.

   Keep eating your french fries with a fork, psycho.

   Either I've sat in a cottage pie or that was not a fart.

   a friend's kid accidentally stuck their cat in the dryer. my friend was all sad about it so I sung the sad song....soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.....the song didn't help at all

   They're all cop cars when you're this high.

   When I'm drunk you're hot, when I'm not, you're not.

   The eternal struggle: Tops of feet are sunburnt. Lighter is dead. Corner store is two blocks away. They have a sign: no shirt no shoes no service. I don't own flip flops. This is going to suck balls.

   I loved once.. She was my first kiss, it was on the swingset in the park. Maybe someday she'll find me and we'll hook up again. Who Knows, Until then I'll keep chasing brunettes with big boobies."

   it's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually, it's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave."

   Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

   doesn't suffer from stress. he's a carrier...

   a 5 yr old who must be alot smarter than me, because I din't know everything until I was a teenager

   Playboy in 3-D! Take that, 18 billion hours of free, readily available Internet porn.

   Woman's Favorite Position is CEO.