Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went cow-tipping at Old Country Buffet.

   Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.

   Keep eating your french fries with a fork, psycho.

   Either I've sat in a cottage pie or that was not a fart.

   a friend's kid accidentally stuck their cat in the dryer. my friend was all sad about it so I sung the sad song....soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.....the song didn't help at all

   They're all cop cars when you're this high.

   There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.

   anger is only one letter short of danger

   Its funny how Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters

   if everyone looked like their celebrity doppelganger and really matched their urbandictionary meaning, I could eat butterflies and poop rainbows.

   Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything

   watching the Time Traveler's Wife with my Wife. We Both Cried at the End. But We Both Cried for Different Reasons!"

   Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

   I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.

   Dear complicated life decisions: be easier.

   Do you have to fly to go get one of those TSA airport pat-downs? Just asking

   no idea what I am doing...................................but when I do it I drink Dos Equis!

   You know its going to be a rough day when you wake up on the wrong side of someone else's bed and don't remember how you go there.

   "It sure is nice to not be out shopping." - sane people

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.