Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep eating your french fries with a fork, psycho.

   Either I've sat in a cottage pie or that was not a fart.

   a friend's kid accidentally stuck their cat in the dryer. my friend was all sad about it so I sung the sad song....soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.....the song didn't help at all

   They're all cop cars when you're this high.

   There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.

   anger is only one letter short of danger

   I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.

   Dear complicated life decisions: be easier.

   Do you have to fly to go get one of those TSA airport pat-downs? Just asking

   no idea what I am doing...................................but when I do it I drink Dos Equis!

   You know its going to be a rough day when you wake up on the wrong side of someone else's bed and don't remember how you go there.

   "It sure is nice to not be out shopping." - sane people

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   I like my woman like I like my eggs....overeasy.

   May your dirty socks crawl up upon your face as you sleep

   I hate all these derelicts that come into my office asking for directions to Social Security they are going there to make sure they get money from the government, do you think it is wrong that I gave them the directions to the Department of Labor Job Enf

   if the shoe fits, buy one in every color.

   I don't understand why they call them men's dress shoes because they don't go with any of my dresses.

   has anyone seen ___________? He heard "Its Raining Men" on the radio and he ran outside with a huge grin on his face.

   Capsule used to rescue Chilean miners is now a prototype for all new coach seats on all US domestic flights....