Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can You Still Get Like Regular Sick Or Is Everything Corona?

   Snookie Kardashian?

   I swallowed my pride once and it tasted like Vodka.

   Every so often I'll listen to my mom talk non stop for like 5yrs at a time to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.

   Starbucks is now offering something called the duffin. If you havent heard, it's a combination of a donut and a muffin. Who says America has lost its exceptionalism?

   At my age I only have two goals: to keep working a real job and to keep flossing real teeth.

   The secret to life is to always do whatever's next.

   Humor and sexual frustration are what keep Facebook a well-oiled machine.

   Everything happens for a reason. For instance: You're on fire because I don't like you.

   In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.

   onder what all those old mom's think now when they remember telling their little boys, eat all your Wheaties and you'll grow up to be a big strong man like Bruce Jenner? The irony is, Bruce Jenner is now an old mom.

   "WTH, I can't seem to parallel park anymore" - Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner

   I hold my wife's hand in the mall. Not because it's romantic but more because it's economical. It keeps her from shopping.

   Welcome back Marty McFly...and Dr. Emmett Brown ...Great scott.!!!

   If you're too scared to dump somebody take them to ikea.

   a good woman will always forgive you when she's wrong

   It is so cold out my wife is looking forward to her next hot flash.

   Am I the only one who gets disappointed pulling up next to a Kia Soul and there isn't a hamster driving it. . .

   1944: 18-year-olds storm beaches, jump from planes, charge into almost certain death. 2016: 18-year-olds need a safe place. Because words do hurt.

   That was the best news conference that Obama has ever held, about all the police officers shot recently. Said no one ever...