Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to NIKON'S latest commercial that I just watched, "Small is the new Huge!"......I know of a few guys that'll be THRILLED to hear that.

   Can I be held legally responsible if someone gets injured while ROFL?

   Valentine's Day was a lot of fun, but now what do I do with the body?

   When the cop asked me to recite the ABC's I did it perfectly... He didn't particularly care for the "next time won't you sing with me" part though.

   Googled a ninja school.. When I clicked on a page it said "Site not found."

   HIM: “You look like a Barbie!” HER: “Thanks. You mean tall, slim and beautiful right?” HIM: “Hell no! I mean plastic and without a brain.”

   please cover your mouth when you're talking to me. I think you have stupid and I don't wanna catch it.

   Being able to say no is a talent.

   Why can't Edward read Bella's thoughts? Because she doesn't have any.

   Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my damn phone or anything.

   a dyslexic man walks into a bra

   SAVE ELECTRICITY; You wouldn't like someone to turn you on & then just leave

   I am not a magician, but I often suddenly appear in a cloud of smoke.

   hey guys you can pretty much call a girl whatever you want as long as you put skinny in front of it

   Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.

   Kind of shocked more professional fisherman aren't driving metal flaked vehicles as well.

   Found some lovely shoes, almost new in fact, I don't know why anyone would throw them away. They were just sitting there outside the mosque.

   Someone has stolen my wife's knickers off the washing line.............. They can keep the knickers but, please, bring back the 28 pegs.

   If all men are pigs and they are all the same, then why does it take so damn long for women to choose one?

   Today is the day in some households, that colored eggs get dumped in the trash. Because enough is enough.