Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a selfie, especially a bathroom mirror selfie... Seriously stop it, you're embarrassing yourself!

   I thought this black guy was calling me a disgrace, turns out he was introducing me to his gf Grace

   "for just 15 cents a day" ...*changeschannel*

   When I see a beautiful young lady with a really old or ugly dude, I think the same thing as everyone else....How rich is that guy?

   Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.

   According to my calculations,,,, The Rock should beat Edward Scissorhands in a fight

   People in glass houses should probably buy their Windex at Costco.

   Never marry a tennis player. Love means nothing to them...

   .... Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then .... They are shocked and offended when they discover that there are actually other views.

   Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.

   Hey chubby shirtless guy with the pierced nipples at the kids' soccer game. Nope.

   My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for new underwear.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig......It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

   You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.

   In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.”

   The best part about being single is only having to say "I'm sorry" to the dog or cat.

   All this slippery ice and snow is making this texting while driving a real challenge...

   I'm thankful that everyone has finally shut up about this Ebola hysteria to let us all celebrate Thanksgiving.

   I like my women like I like my coffee; Always causing embarassing stains on my pants.

   Woman failed the battle of the sexes when you started to do pole dancing and class it as exercise