Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies: When a guy adds you on FB, it means he just wants to be your friend not your HUSBAND, that's why it's called a friend request not a Proposal!

   your acceptance of what is about to happen isn't required, but I have this axe and I already dug a hole, so.....

   9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me to pull the trigger. The 10th one says RELOAD!

   WISHES my clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves.

   Hates when he gets really comfortable in bed just to relize he left the over head light on and the switch is all the way across the room

   I drop my ipod:( ………and then my headphones save it's life :)

   How are babies not self-consciousness of their thighs?

   doesn't suffer from insanity... he enjoys every minute of it.

   100% positive that he isn't sure!

   Anything you say will be held against you. "Tit".

   clones 2,4, & 9 are still missing. I'll check the liquor stores, and you check the porn shops. If they've gotten out of town, they'll be heading for Vegas!

   UPDATE...in the midst of preparing an antidote to fix stupid...a massive explosion accured....needless to say...everyone was right....THERE AIN'T NO FIXIN' STUPID!

   You're gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it's not the size of the a**hole you worry about, it's how much crap comes out of it.

   wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

   The nice thing about being overweight is, if challenged, you can crush the competition....on a lighter note, you can then finish your donut......

   Working on working on my evil plot to take over the world. But first, a bowl of Froot Loops!

   went into a library dressed as a German classical composer and asked for a book on Austrian actors. The librarian said, "Aisle B, Bach".

   In his first day since stepping down from BP, Tony Hayward took a $hit in his neighbor's pool.

   Alcohol was my dad's answer to everything. He didn't drink. He was just lousy at quizzes.

   Something a wife would NEVER say to her husband: "Could you please stop washing the dishes and sit down and have a beer with me, I can't hear the game!"