Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does power cleaning the whole house in 6 hours qualify for a medal in the Olympics today? just askin'....

   a good night is always followed by a bad morning.

   I'm always caught a little off guard when an airport security checkpoint worker shows symptoms of having a personality.

   a strong supporter of gay rights but he thinks we should also strongly support gay lefts because the two go hand-in-hand.

   . If I flip this coin, what do you think my chances are of getting head?

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   When they tell you not to mix chemicals they're f*cking serious. On a related note: high as f*ck and my house might explode...

   Skinny jeans is like a cheap motel..... NO BALL ROOM!!!!

   The weather is 95 and hazy .. kind of like Bernie Sanders.

   What's the difference if someone with mental illness come at you with a knife vs someone without mental illness comes at you with a knife?

   My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

   As long as I have my hand up her skirt, she is my puppet.

   If pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.

   i tried to catch some Fog but I Mist

   When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.

   Some people think Obama's doing a good job, some think he's doing a bad job. I think about sex usually.

   The worst part about buying new underwear is having to sew a sock on them every time.

   People make counterfeit money, but money also makes counterfeit people.

   Thinking of Black Friday shopping in Ferguson this year. Heard you can grab some really good deals.

   Sometimes I get mad watching my parents spend my inheritance money.