Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   . If I flip this coin, what do you think my chances are of getting head?

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   When love is not madness... it is not love.

   I don't eat nuts at the bar. But I like to run my fingers through them and lick the salt off.

   Chili usually comes to my rescue when I have things trapped in a hole.

   The NFL should change it's name to the little girls league with all these rules. Football is a violent and physical sport, if you get hurt, it's part of the job.

   What's the difference if someone with mental illness come at you with a knife vs someone without mental illness comes at you with a knife?

   My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

   The weather is 95 and hazy .. kind of like Bernie Sanders.

   As long as I have my hand up her skirt, she is my puppet.

   If pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.

   i tried to catch some Fog but I Mist

   When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.

   Some people think Obama's doing a good job, some think he's doing a bad job. I think about sex usually.

   The worst part about buying new underwear is having to sew a sock on them every time.

   People make counterfeit money, but money also makes counterfeit people.

   Thinking of Black Friday shopping in Ferguson this year. Heard you can grab some really good deals.

   Sometimes I get mad watching my parents spend my inheritance money.

   1 [on a test drive] Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants! Dealer: This car doesn't have heated seats. Me: Does it have napkins?

   Great news everyone...According to this pregnancy test I'm just fat!