Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a good night is always followed by a bad morning.

   I'm always caught a little off guard when an airport security checkpoint worker shows symptoms of having a personality.

   When love is not madness... it is not love.

   I don't eat nuts at the bar. But I like to run my fingers through them and lick the salt off.

   Chili usually comes to my rescue when I have things trapped in a hole.

   The NFL should change it's name to the little girls league with all these rules. Football is a violent and physical sport, if you get hurt, it's part of the job.

   When they tell you not to mix chemicals they're f*cking serious. On a related note: high as f*ck and my house might explode...

   Skinny jeans is like a cheap motel..... NO BALL ROOM!!!!

   a strong supporter of gay rights but he thinks we should also strongly support gay lefts because the two go hand-in-hand.

   . If I flip this coin, what do you think my chances are of getting head?

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   Just went outside for a couple of minutes, according to my nipples, I'ts damn cold outside!

   If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

   What's the difference if someone with mental illness come at you with a knife vs someone without mental illness comes at you with a knife?

   My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

   The weather is 95 and hazy .. kind of like Bernie Sanders.

   As long as I have my hand up her skirt, she is my puppet.

   If pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.

   i tried to catch some Fog but I Mist

   When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.