Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spoiler for the new Peanuts movie: Peppermint Patty finally comes out of the closet and we learn why Marcie has been calling her "Sir" all these years.

   It's freezing outside. I hear by declare January Nipple Awareness Month.

   Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally.

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.

   If I didn't drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?

   Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?,,,,, Good times........ Good times

   I'm going to start a new trend... Work tailgating. I'll be in the parking lot at 5am every day drinking and grilling. I hope it catches on...

   I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.

   If you get cheated on over and over & you decide to stay with that person, You're a fuc&in idiot and deserve everything thats coming to you.

   It is spelled, "you're" an idiot....idiot.

   When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

   Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones

   I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

   On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

   Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely

   could care less about the color, as long as it is on my floor with the rest of your clothes.

   not having any fun unless he is doing something immoral, illegal, dangerous, or fattening.

   Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?..............Neither did I. I was just asking.

   you only live once, but if you live it right, once is enough.

   It's been announced that Nigeria has 22,980,000 internet users. I've received emails from every single one.