Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .... Please tell me more about how YOU came to OUR country and now YOU want US to change OUR traditions because THEY offend YOU and YOU want US to change to suit YOU and YOUR ways. What if I told YOU ... THAT offends ME and MY COUNTRY!!

   Chinese Take-Out $18.97....Gas money to go pick it up $10.00...getting home and realizing they forgot one of your cartons.......RICELESS

   who else is mad that it's 2011 and we still don't have hover boards and flying cars?

   Tupac died because he lived the thug life. This 12 pack is going to die because I live the chug life.

   To all you guys out there that "pimp" out your truck , its like dressing your son up in girls clothes.

   Hooked on Phonics werked fer me :-)

   Trump got more women to walk in 1 day than Michelle Obama did in 8 years

   ATTENTION VEGETARIANS: If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat

   Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the cl!toris is

   I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke...?

   ■The day Facebook adds a “Who cares?” button would be the best day ever.

   Be with the one who will get your panties wet not your eyes.

   Why is the Arab world pissed about the video of Marines peeing on dead bodies? A lot of people enjoy getting peed on judging from the number of videos I found trying to find the video in question.

   This just in!! The Kodak Film company has filed for bankruptcy......More details to come as the story develops

   I got fired from my job at the restaurant for putting a load in the dishwasher... she was cute.

   This just in... Kanye West is still alive. Meanwhile we continue to lose really talented artists...

   Shouldn't they just put Harriet Tubman's face on EBT cards???

   Can we just skip the Aaron Hernandez wide-receiver-tight-end jokes? They are so old and so lame.

   If my girlfriend ever suggests we start seeing other people, I'll be doing someone else before she can find her car keys.

   I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.