Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to Obama i'm at the supermarket buying my Marie Calender Thanksgiving Turkey dinner.

   Did you guys hear about the Italian atheist? He doesn't believe in the God-father....

   looking at a Justin Bieber pic and beating my stuff like it owed me money! She is hot

   finding the cure for hunger.

   Was up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me

   The homeless guy with the golden voice was offered a job by the Cleveland Cavaliers.

   thought he had a good tan... until he took a shower!

   at the ATM the other day and an old lady approached and asked me to help check her balance.....So I pushed her

   A Lion Would Never Cheat on His Wife, But a Tiger Wood !!!

   Why the hell did you delete the celebrities getting more than soldiers you piece of sh*t?

   My friend has just started his own business manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently, prophets are going through the roof.

   Apple CEO just came out today. I guess this explains why iPhone 6 bends.

   The person who invented the online software for your parents to see your grades is a real douchebag and must be assassinated.

   Success woke me up, Motivation made me Breakfast, Destiny gave me my Agenda and the Lord gave me his Blessings:-)

   VMA recap: Lady GaGa came in as a man. Nicki Minaj came as Lady GaGa, and Jay-z came in Beyonce

   it is so cold outside, that even the guy at the gas station had a towel on his head!

   I saw a woman about to jump off a cliff. “You want to have sex first”, I said. She said, “no” so I said “OK, I’ll wait for you at the bottom!”

   I always assume girls who wear ponytails love sucking d*ck. (I assume the same about guys with ponytails as well)

   I expect Obama to name himself the new Pope soon.....

   I have been on hold for the past ten minutes!! If I ever find the guy who invented automated telephone systems, I'm going to give him a choice - Press 1 to be kicked in the nuts, Press 2 to burst into flames and die or Press 3 to go to hell.