Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why the hell did you delete the celebrities getting more than soldiers you piece of sh*t?

   My friend has just started his own business manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently, prophets are going through the roof.

   Apple CEO just came out today. I guess this explains why iPhone 6 bends.

   The person who invented the online software for your parents to see your grades is a real douchebag and must be assassinated.

   Success woke me up, Motivation made me Breakfast, Destiny gave me my Agenda and the Lord gave me his Blessings:-)

   VMA recap: Lady GaGa came in as a man. Nicki Minaj came as Lady GaGa, and Jay-z came in Beyonce

   it is so cold outside, that even the guy at the gas station had a towel on his head!

   I saw a woman about to jump off a cliff. “You want to have sex first”, I said. She said, “no” so I said “OK, I’ll wait for you at the bottom!”

   I always assume girls who wear ponytails love sucking d*ck. (I assume the same about guys with ponytails as well)

   I expect Obama to name himself the new Pope soon.....

   I have been on hold for the past ten minutes!! If I ever find the guy who invented automated telephone systems, I'm going to give him a choice - Press 1 to be kicked in the nuts, Press 2 to burst into flames and die or Press 3 to go to hell.

   Vote Trump and let's get started repairing America.

   ....MMmmm Santa, I'm so naughty I'll turn your HO HO HO into OH OH OH!!

   "used to have superpowers, but hisher therapist took them away. "

   wondering why its called a search party....

   I use to LOOOOOVEEE kissing................until I got some head

   celebrating black history month by watching re-runs of THE FIRST 48....

   A real woman does not have a "wrong hole".

   Presidents Day was a whole lot more fun back before the Great Election of 2008

   I find it interesting that the same people that are telling me that Donald Trump would be a bad President are the same people who told us that Barack Obama would be a Good President!!!