Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you

   I dropped my laptop in the ocean, So now theres a dell rolling in the deep.

   Guess what happened to me last night?????? I had a Dream.......

   Kobe Bryant played last night for the Lakers against despite flu like symptoms. Apparently neither team was worried about H1N1 - it's Kobe, he never passes anything.

   Teacher asked the class to spell a 12 letter word! Kid Says: Masturbation! Teacher Says: WOW! That's a mouth full!?! Kids says: No! you're thinking of Blow Job.

   When I woke up this morning I half expected to find a tiger in the bathroom and a baby in the closet...

   Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

   brought to you by the letters W T F.

   making a list of why you suck

   My girlfriend asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I replied "your sister." Was that wrong?

   I bought a cheese grater for Stevie Wonder. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

   What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Sex

   • Here's to our husbands and boyfriends: May they never meet!

   An american may be taking over the Al Qaeda spot...Look Trump, I know you're angry Obama interrupted Celebrity Apprentice, but you're taking it too far.

   LOOK LEFT ------------------------> you failed.

   it's my first american thanksgiving how many guns do I bring?

   Firefox; the best browser to download Google's YOUTUBE videos.

   Darth Vader: The first black guy to admit he's the father.

   If you're smart, handsome with a good personality you can get any girl except a black one.

   Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30