Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet most people supporting Hillary Clinton can't even SPELL "Marxist/Socialist" let alone even know what it means ... and why it is bad for America.

   So I got a handjob from this Blind woman the other day and she proceeds to tell me I have the biggest shaft she's ever felt. I then told her, "You're pulling my leg!"

   I guess all the sinners have been saved, the homeless housed and the hungry fed so now we can focus on protesting the new Starbucks cup!

   Don't be a BEN brother, should have been, would have been, could have been, or might have been

   So my girl cooked dinner and I fed some to the dog,she asks me what is he doing and I replied I fed him some of your food. She asks me why is he licking his butthole ...I said to get the taste out of his mouth

   Ever notice there aren't any Asian Nascar drivers.

   thinks it's ok to steal my status updates, but I just wanted to warn you that I lick each one before I post them.

   I bought a goldfish... named it after my ex-girlfriend and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

   This might sound like an a-hole thing for me to say, but I think I could take Muhammad Ali now.

   Fellas: Never lead a woman on and let her think she has a chance with you when deep down you know she doesn't.

   sent my mom a text asking if she wanted to get pedis today but iPhone auto corrected it to penis...awkward.

   Betty white to preform at next yrs Superbowl ...

   I dont care one Iota about leaving a better planet for our kids. I think we should be focused on leaving better kids for our planet.....

   Tomorrow is the official Electoral College vote. Or as it will be more popularly known: "The Day Hillary Lost The Election For The Third Time."

   President Obama recently released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.

   The American Bald Eagle is no longer the National Bird. It has been changed. It is now Obama's middle finger!

   Don't worry about Ebola spreading in Dallas. The Cowboys have shown us that people in Dallas can't catch anything.

   Hey! I said no pickles! That's it...I wanna speak to the frigg'n McManager!!!

   When your electronic device is low on batteries, it has enough to remind you every 3 minutes with loud noises and flashy lights.

   I'm one boob, you're the other boob and together...we're Breast friends.