Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a goldfish... named it after my ex-girlfriend and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

   This might sound like an a-hole thing for me to say, but I think I could take Muhammad Ali now.

   Fellas: Never lead a woman on and let her think she has a chance with you when deep down you know she doesn't.

   sent my mom a text asking if she wanted to get pedis today but iPhone auto corrected it to penis...awkward.

   Betty white to preform at next yrs Superbowl ...

   I dont care one Iota about leaving a better planet for our kids. I think we should be focused on leaving better kids for our planet.....

   Tomorrow is the official Electoral College vote. Or as it will be more popularly known: "The Day Hillary Lost The Election For The Third Time."

   President Obama recently released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.

   The American Bald Eagle is no longer the National Bird. It has been changed. It is now Obama's middle finger!

   Don't worry about Ebola spreading in Dallas. The Cowboys have shown us that people in Dallas can't catch anything.

   Hey! I said no pickles! That's it...I wanna speak to the frigg'n McManager!!!

   When your electronic device is low on batteries, it has enough to remind you every 3 minutes with loud noises and flashy lights.

   I'm one boob, you're the other boob and together...we're Breast friends.

   Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you

   I dropped my laptop in the ocean, So now theres a dell rolling in the deep.

   Guess what happened to me last night?????? I had a Dream.......

   Kobe Bryant played last night for the Lakers against despite flu like symptoms. Apparently neither team was worried about H1N1 - it's Kobe, he never passes anything.

   Teacher asked the class to spell a 12 letter word! Kid Says: Masturbation! Teacher Says: WOW! That's a mouth full!?! Kids says: No! you're thinking of Blow Job.

   When I woke up this morning I half expected to find a tiger in the bathroom and a baby in the closet...

   Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.