Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lord....Please send ALL the morons below me back to school!!

   Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

   it's funny Obama will negotiate with Iran, but won't negotiate with the his own government.

   Obama has gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Can you believe there's no change

   It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.

   congratulations danica patrick and jeff gordon... daytona 500's first all female front row...

   People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.

   Next person that talks politics with me I'm kicking in the crotch. I don't care if they elect a pineapple into office. It's all one big game anyway.

   Some Warning Labels are a little retarded, like on my Deodorant it says, "Avoid Contact with Eyes"....TOO LATE, I've already seen it!!!

   : Every day should be 'HUMP DAY'.... but not the Wednesday kind.

   I absolutely HATE when people put song lyrics as their status! It makes me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT!

   What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

   it me or usually when a man cheats, he downgrades to an uglier woman, but when a woman cheats, she usually upgrades to a hotter and richer man.

   I bet most people supporting Hillary Clinton can't even SPELL "Marxist/Socialist" let alone even know what it means ... and why it is bad for America.

   So I got a handjob from this Blind woman the other day and she proceeds to tell me I have the biggest shaft she's ever felt. I then told her, "You're pulling my leg!"

   I guess all the sinners have been saved, the homeless housed and the hungry fed so now we can focus on protesting the new Starbucks cup!

   Don't be a BEN brother, should have been, would have been, could have been, or might have been

   So my girl cooked dinner and I fed some to the dog,she asks me what is he doing and I replied I fed him some of your food. She asks me why is he licking his butthole ...I said to get the taste out of his mouth

   Ever notice there aren't any Asian Nascar drivers.

   thinks it's ok to steal my status updates, but I just wanted to warn you that I lick each one before I post them.