Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Judging by the music and decorations at Walmart we're only 3 days away from Fox News War on Christmas season.

   If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

   Lady Gaga admitted that she does cocaine. Not really surprising news. What is surprising? She snorts it off her penis.

   thinks the Media is just milking the negitivity in this Swine Flu situation. On the plus side, there is now recession beating prices on Mexican pork chops.

   wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger. Then it hit

   can finally watch the tv in the afternoon now. Oprah show is going off the air.

   I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

   On Columbus Day, we celebrate the discovery of places that have already been happily occupied for years.

   Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a Honda Accord

   Says: He may wear the pants.. But I CONTROL The Zipper!! hehehe!

   Men suck... Sent from Kitchen

   Son: Dad is it ok to love a midget, Dad- depends on if your nuts over her

   Been watching these 2 black guys shake hands for the past 28 minutes.

   Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?

   Dear spelling and grammer Nazis I'm righting this hear to distroy your intire day. May korekting this update be the only thing you thinc of the hole weakend. Sinsyearly, Me

   Left Cocoa Puffs on the Eater Bunnys chair at the mall!

   Got my umbrella taken away at gunpoint.....damn Burlington mall

   I wonder if they get hurricanes in India? Let me call there and find out, what the number to AT&T?

   Sometimes I call Domino's Pizza and order a pie. I ask them to repeat the order, then I say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99...please pull up to the first window."

   if someone ever asks you what your favorite kind of beer is tell them " An open one!"