Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The more complicated the coffee order the more complicated the person.

   When Jennifer Aniston cuts her hair, it makes headlines on CNN. When I cut my hair, my wife tells me to stop trimming my balls over the sink

   I like my wine like I like my men, inside me.

   I would like to tell you a joke about covid but 99% of you won’t get it......

   If you like your own status, you should take your own hand and punch you in your face.

   Did I already post my Alzheimer update?

   Racism is for lazy people who don't take the time to learn enough about someone to dislike them for a much better reason.

   Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.

   I think it's impossible to play the Wii without looking like you're competing in a relay race for the Special Olympics.

   You know you're good at Threesomes when you get both women pregnant.

   Remember: "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

   women dont fart until they get married

   If I had a nickel for every time I've misplaced my keys, there'd be a jarful of money I would also have to look for.

   Tom Brady has to go home and plow his Super Model wife now cause it will be the only was he is scoring anytime soon

   I've decided that if I ever go into witness protection my name will be Mr. Dobalina, Mr. Bob Dobalina

   I'm turning 40 tomorrow. My new pose pics will be the "cougar claw", no more peace signs for me.

   Telling my nephew that leprechauns store their gold in electrical sockets and that he'd need a fork to get it out probably wasn't a good idea.

   thinks you should know that you don't HAVE to be crazy to be my friend...but it helps!!

   sick and tired of handicap people always getting pushed around

   remembers the good old days when, C0CK meant ROOSTER, PU$$Y meant CAT, MAKING OUT meant coming to a deduction, A$$ meant DONKEY, JUGS meant vessels to put liquid beverages in and COMING meant the opposite of GOING!.....DAH! times have really changed!