Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Racism is for lazy people who don't take the time to learn enough about someone to dislike them for a much better reason.

   Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.

   I think it's impossible to play the Wii without looking like you're competing in a relay race for the Special Olympics.

   You know you're good at Threesomes when you get both women pregnant.

   Remember: "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

   women dont fart until they get married

   If I had a nickel for every time I've misplaced my keys, there'd be a jarful of money I would also have to look for.

   Tom Brady has to go home and plow his Super Model wife now cause it will be the only was he is scoring anytime soon

   I've decided that if I ever go into witness protection my name will be Mr. Dobalina, Mr. Bob Dobalina

   I'm turning 40 tomorrow. My new pose pics will be the "cougar claw", no more peace signs for me.

   thinks you should know that you don't HAVE to be crazy to be my friend...but it helps!!

   sick and tired of handicap people always getting pushed around

   remembers the good old days when, C0CK meant ROOSTER, PU$$Y meant CAT, MAKING OUT meant coming to a deduction, A$$ meant DONKEY, JUGS meant vessels to put liquid beverages in and COMING meant the opposite of GOING!.....DAH! times have really changed!

   n't it a shame that Isla m is such a fragile religion that the mere sight of Buddhist statues, Bibles or Barbie Dolls serve to threaten it's very existence?

   NASCAR=National Assembly Of Super Crazy A$$ Rednecks

   Good News! We just got our taxes done and we'll be getting a refund! It should be just enough to pay for getting our taxes done! ツ

   I want a monster in my bed, not under it.

   Facebook is probably the most efficient way of telling as many people as possible that you're lonely. ツ

   Men are only as loyal as their options

   Every time she asks what you're thinking about, tell her buttsex.